Southern Star Elizabeth

LIST

2011-07-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

1. My dog runs like a Spring Buck. He may have some identity issues.

This is Bruce aka Devil Dog with a fine set of antlers

2. Heads up to well-meaning people: if all it took to cure nasty prolonged pregnancy nausea was saltine crackers and flat coke don’t you think I would have stuck with it?

3. Don’t tell me I look good when I tell you I feel like crap. I don’t know if it’s a compliment or a back-handed way to tell me that I must not really feel as bad as I say. Either way, leave it off.

4. My child likes to “fake sleep in the backseat” so she’ll get a free ride into the AC. Smart kid. She’ll go far in the world of politics. Vote Simi in the 2050 election, she’ll blow you away with her foreign policy.

Simi Loo

5. My husband started a blog. It’s way less caustic than mine. You might like it. It will completely cement your belief in opposites attract. www.benthankful.wordpress.com

6. Pregnancy is a lot like puberty, allow me to explain:

Weird things happen super fast and you aren’t sure if you are happy about it. And, what’s worse, other people notice and stare. It makes me very self-conscious.

Same rule applies as puberty: LOOK ME IN THE EYE and don’t steal a glance, you creep. No, you can’t touch.

7. Dear Facebook Users,

You sound to good to be true. Everything goes so well in your world?! What am I doing wrong that I have bad days and you never do?

What’s up with that,

E

8. Dear Rosetta Stone Epanol (Spain),

Let’s run away together. I think we can make this work.

Quiero mi Espanol.

E

9. I feel a lot like Snow Bear (aka Beelzebub bunny) because I ate way toooo much chocolate cake for Eagle’s birthday. I fear I am getting the dreaded Snow Bear Triple, triple chins that is.

Snow Bear in her slimmer days

10. My eldest turned 10 on Wednesday. How can that be? I whined about it to the poor lady behind me in the Target check out line. I strategically waited until all her items were on the conveyor belt and she couldn’t get away from me.

11. My eldest is fairly certain he is Davy Crockett reincarnated. This isn’t good for my psyche.

Eagle in 15 years

Send help.

Over and out.

I've never wanted a beer more in my life than I do right now

2011-07-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Let me catch you up on my past 3 months of life on the edge of my couch…..

barf.

Dear HCG,

I hate you. I hope you rot in hell. We will never be friends. You try to ruin my life every time. Nice try, you almost got me.

Sincerely pissed off (sorry Grandma I know you hate that word),

Me

So it is good news: more children. The baggage: feeling like poo for 4 months. It’s really hard to like someone who makes your life miserable. But I felt this way about my first 2 and it turned out alright.

In other news,

1. My husband (I call him other names right now too) is in Africa saving the continent from financial ruin.

2. I can’t get this song out of my head.

3. It’s nearly the 4th of July, my all time favorite holiday. It meets all my requirements for a rocking good time: (1) blazing hot (2) it is appropriate to wear a bikini (3) massive explosives

Happy quatro de Julio have a beer for me….

What am i talking about

2011-04-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

Here’s whats going on in my world:

1. My eldest has ruined his life’s contentment with this book:

This piece of literature has provoked the desperate desire of:

a buckskin suit

a birch bark canoe

a falcon named Frightful and an overwhelming desire to leave home. I am doubting my love of literacy for children.

And, have you any idea what a buckskin suit would run you? Of course not, you are normal well-adjusted, non-homeshooling parent. But in case you are curious eBay is asking a scandalously large sum. I (the Vegan) am considering encouraging a homeschool summer unit study entitled, “How To Make Your Own Homemade Bambi Suit” or a different unit study called, “Things Grandpa Bought Me On Our Trip West This Summer” instead.

2. The leaves are on the trees and the temps are above 60. I am a happy girl.

3. Confession: I have a cat I call, “My Husband” or “Life-Partner” mostly because it irritates my children. My son’s friend is threatening to make a coonskin cap out of My Husband’s hide. I’m not impressed.

4. I am blogging as a form of procrastination (can’t tell can you?). The laundry pile (aka Mt. Johnson) is single-handedly trying to take me down.

A plethora of nonsense

2011-03-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

We started running an all-inclusive resort for horses on vacation at the Johnson Ranch about 2 weeks ago. Think: Club Med complete with over indulging, flirting with the opposite sex and lack of respect for the resort management. Because that’s exactly what we've got going on over here.

It came to a head last night when the horses evidently had an unplanned, unapproved mixer in the pasture. I prefer to run a strict no girl/boy contact facility. I’m catholic like that. The horses (read: rebellious teens) disregarded my no-mixer wishes and were probably smoking in the bathroom too. As with most mixers there was extensive damage to the property that conveys a disrespect of the resort management (that’s me). This morning I spent 2 hours cleaning up after the hung over crowd of ungrateful equine. Which is not how I expected to spend my Tuesday morning.

Now lets talk dermatology. Last week my friends, Tanya and Alex, told me a story about a guy with a massive zit-like mound on his cheek. (it’s really strange the matters that friends are willing to discuss) I’ll have you know I day dreamed about the possibility of popping a monster like that (I should have been a dermatologist). Be careful what you wish for because now I have my very own zit-mountain. I’ll tell you right now the story of the zit is much more thrilling if you are not the subject of the zit story.

Changing subjects

I've been homeschooling for 36 hours straight. With sleep and snack breaks. I don’t know why….nothing else to do really and the kids dig it. My husband expressed his concern for my mental health and gently prodded me to leave the compound (That’s what I am calling our house now. I plan on wearing denim jumpers, braids and read only from the KJV of the bible for the rest of my days. I may even encourage Mr. Johnson to take on a sister-wife).

I gave in to Mr. Johnson’s advice and left the property sans skirt or braids or sister-wife. The outside world is really nice. Who knew? And when did I become my mother? No offense mom you are awesome.

One more thing. My dad is retiring from his 30+ year career as a biologist and my children have been begging for his taxidermy-ed critters that once adorned his office and made countless trips to public schools to educate children. The lot includes a fox with a blank stare and a ripped ear (who is a lot like the Mona Lisa. Everywhere you turn it appears the fox follows your gaze. Very unsettling at 2am on my way to the bathroom), 2 hummingbirds, a barn owl complete with pray in talon, a wood duck, and my personal favorite and woodchuck standing on it’s back legs with 2 tiny t-rex like forelimbs.

Now here is where this story get’s weird…..really, really, really weird. I won’t be offended if you don’t read more of this post. It might be best for your sake and mine.

Listen up brave soul:

My dear friend Melissa gave me a great* idea. She told me to take Simi’s baby teeth and attach them to my new taxidermist home decor. So all the critters would have a creepy grin to go with the glass stares. I like it. I really like it.

*Great is used as a completely subjective term here.

Why?

I don’t know. We are homeschoolers and by definition very strange.

But I thought it was a classic idea…. I should apologize to my dad now. Sorry I am desecrating your beautiful specimens. I love you.

Classy, huh?

Come see me

2010-09-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Come see me at: Southern Star Elizabeth . I miss you.

See me here

2010-08-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

Visit my new blog at WordPress HERE. I think you'll like it

Elizabeth

2010-08-21T04:31:00.001-07:00

moving my blog

2010-07-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm moving here .

So if you'd like to read more SouthernStarElizabeth more come on over!

Laters,

Elizabeth

ON my mind

2010-07-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

On my mind today:

I really, really would like to try the Brazilian blow out on my hair.

I feel the urge to shank a little punk attending VBS. I already had a heart to heart with him and threatened him but he's the type that needs to be met in a dark alley and I'm just the girl to take him down. PARENTAL CALL TO ACTION: please train your children or I will! This is my theme song when I think of unruly children:

Maybe, just maybe, I am too much discipline and not enough compassion. "Is it possible", ask myself? I don't hear anyone complaining but that might be because they are afraid of my wrath. Who can say? Please advise.

My mom is way awesome. She's beautiful, patient, funny, wonderful and always agrees with me. I am lucky.

My dad is totally awesome. Really, he's the best parent any child could ask for and he's better than any grandpa on the planet. I should nominate him for the Father or the Year award. I think I shall. I'm already drafting my nomination letter.

I am mourning the loss of my eight year old....He's now 9 and that number disturbs my soul. Half of his life under my roof is over. A good cry is in order bawwwww.wwwww..wwwwww sniff sniff

My children turn into superheroes with high fructose corn syrup. I get a good chuckle watching the other moms gasp and clasp their chest when my kids come into the play room at Chick-Fil-A.

We are unsocialized homeschoolers......insert evil laugh here.

Keith Monday, the weatherman for Channel 9 Eyewitness News has a crush on me.

But it could be he was staring my direction because he wanted me to control my tornado-crazed children.

Who can say, really?

I took great joy watching Devil Dog figure out his new invisible fence line after weeks of him taking advantage of my Christian Patience.
What are you thinking about today?

To Whom is may concern:

2010-07-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Facebook:
This relationship isn't working for me. I don't like anything about you. You bring me to a dangerous place of wrath. So I'm kicking you to the curb. Don't worry you'll find some other sucker to take my place soon. CBS news tell me you'll have a half billion users by the end of the week. Here's the inside scoop in case you didn't know: they're all just using you.

Dear Car Window Silhouettes:

You are a hopeless show-off. I don't care if you have 48 children and superior fertility. When I went to elementary school they called this sort of behaviour "bragging". What's your excuse?

Dear La Lorenzo MD Pathology Consultants,

I appreciate your prompt medical billing. Seeing as it's been 91 days since my hospital stay and I received your bill this afternoon for 175.00.

Your check is in the mail.

HA HA

Dear 100 degree heat:

My armpits smell like 2 day old roadkill thanks to you.

Dear High School Nemesis:

Thank you for gaining 20 pounds since high school. I see that 13 years has not dulled your mean-streak or abrasive personality.

See you never,

Your high school 'buddy'

Dear Self:

What the hell is wrong with you? It's been 13 years let the bitterness go.

Dear Sprint:

I just want my phone fixed. I am not tying to rip you off. Well, in the beginning I wasn't, now I am.

Game on.

Dear Starbucks Lady:

Thanks for the advice on the tattoo's with my morning caffeine. I'd never considered those options.

Dear Gay Waiter at PF Chang's:

YOU'RE NOT GAY.

Even though you say you are. I think it a ruse to get numbers.

Well played.

Dear Babies of the World:

Quit looking at me, smiling, laughing, or doing anything adorable. If possible please force your mother into another check-out lane at Target. Or even better, start throwing temper tantrums, puking in public, screaming and fighting with your siblings. Then I'll get snapped back to reality.

Dear Biological Clock:

Shut up. I know what you want, and I can't do anything about it.

Dear Fellow Homeschooling Moms:

I just look bad compared to you.

You over achievers.

Dear Statistics:

You make me sick. I am tried on of being on the wrong side. Especially this one:

<2.5 112 42 38%

(if you don't know what this one means...ask)

Dear Freaky Dreams:

Desta Hughes (old high school friend) and Seth Meyers (from SNL) will never be together no matter how much my subconscious tried to tell me they are. And no they don't have a really cute 2 year old and no we didn't go to their mansion for drinks.

Dear Dryer:

Due to your low performance, napping on the job, and trying my Christian patience.

I'm letting you go.

No, I'm not giving you a recommendation.

Dear Son:

That compliment you gave me (the one about me looking like my high school nemesis) wasn't really a compliment. But I love you too much to be picky about it.

Dear Backache:

Thank you for my fantastic attitude, full range of motion, and superior level of comfort.

I hate you.

Wolverine in Yellow Lab clothing

2010-07-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

When I went to pick up Devil Dog after his surgery I told the receptionist my name and she asked for my animals' name.

"Bruce, he's the yellow terror"

"Okay, honey, just wait here and I'll be back with Bruce" she says to me in her sweetest southern drawl after I had filled out the appropriate paper work.

The children and I wait in the waiting room. It wasn't long before we hear metal cages being rattled then something that sounded like a skuffle and then the harsh sound of metal slamming shut. I can't be certain but I think I heard a muffled curse word spoken with a southern accent. Moments later the southern belle receptionist reappears through the door and says,

"Oh honey, he's just a wee bit nervous after today's excitement. I think he'd like to see you first." I don't remember her eyes being quite that large or the beads of sweat on her upper lip when I last saw her 35 seconds ago.

"Yeah, he's not nervous that's just him." I say bluntly

I follow her into the recovery kennel. My children ask to come.

"No, kiddos if Brucey-Baby is in a mood I don't want you guys to be in a tight spot" in my most sweet southern-momma voice which was code for "the dog is the devil incarnate and I have a feeling that he's gonna try to take down this here sweet receptionist when I get him out of his detention cell. I'd hate for your sensitive eyes to see this amount of carnage" But I didn't use that harsh verbiage as not to scare my new receptionist friend. My children got me spot on and laughed, "Yeah, this is gonna be good." they say in unison as they crane their necks around the corner to get a front row look at the fight.

Out of the corner of my eye I see they are whispering. I think they are taking side bets. Jake makes the hand gesture for "5" and Simi shakes her head and returns with the "10" gesture. Are they talking money, stitches, or people needed to subdue DevilDog. I don't bother asking.....what good can come of it?

The receptionist leads the way down the corridor. I can hear him before I can see him.

Rattling cage door, growling, snarling, and then strange silence. I've come to know that silence with Bruce is deadly. Silence is not good with this dog. It means he's gonna do some nasty s*&$@ to somebody.

Then he sees me behind her.

He sits down and wags his tail and licks my hands. I open the door and he curls up in my lap wanting me to pick him up. Silly 50lb dog.

"Oh my sweet little poopsie were you acting naughty, you little stinker. Oh I missed your face buddy, awwww, did they treat you well today? I say to Bruce just to make the receptionist (who was standing behind the metal door protecting herself from the gila monster who was sitting on my lap) feel inadequate.

My children are laughing. Jake yells down the corridor, "Guess he didn't like that lady too much."

"Oh that's nice, he just wanted to see somebody he knew. I've never seen a dog be so unfriendly after being so heavily sedated" says the southern belle

I thank her and take Bruce out to the car with his pain meds and stack of post-op instructions.

As Devil-dog is taking a whizz on the electric fence I read his surgery notes.

"***CAUTION***" is highlighted and triple starred on the top of the report "***MUZZLE****"

Interesting.....something tells me Brucey Baby was a bit of a pill today. I'll check YouTube just to be sure.

Monday night fun

2010-07-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Johnson Family Fun

Monday nights are the stuff.

Nice git-up, huh. Cheap Target bathing suit and expensive cowgirl' boots. Priorities.

FYI - in Simi's world: rain storm = bathing suit.

"This is my shot Mister.

Get your own paparazzi."

"Mom lets make funny faces together"

"Holy Nanny, your tongue is RED Mommy."

"Yes, Peach, that's what happens after drinking a strawberry Daiquiri"

Boys can't be bothered with taking 10,000 photos of funny faces. They are much too cerebral for that.

My little grand master.

The game was intense and when the game gets intense Mom gets to make one move. Any move. I don't know a darn about chess thus it's usually a fatal move for one of the opponents. Tonight it was to Eagle's benefit because I can't tell the difference between a queen and knight.

Devil Dog. After I told him what was going to happen to some personal parts he holds dear the next morning.

"oohf, that doesn't sound good."

I would like to marry this camera.

Yes Mom

2010-07-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

Normally, I say 'no' or "do you have the money to buy it?" or "If you still want it in 2 weeks we'll come back" to my children when they make their requests. Mostly because their sense of fun and fashion are more expensive than Damn Ramsey budget will allow.

But my husband is gone and can't stop me.

The natives are restless.

And I like having a little fun every decade or so.

The kids and I loaded up in the car in route to the closest indoor shopping mall. It's only 98 degrees with 1000% humidity so playing outside has a certain risk attached to it.

My kids laid eyes upon the huge indoor bungee Jump-O-Rama.

Oh happy day.

"Mom, can we please? I've always wanted to do that but the lines are always so long and there is ABSOLUTLY no one in line. Can we, Can we, Can we?"

Sure.

"What? Really?"

After the joy of jumping 30 feet into the air for 10 minutes and squeals of delight that could be heard from the food court we were off to the cowboy store.

I love the west. I googled "Wyoming ranches for sale" this morning.

75 results. I figured at least one can be mine someday I should start planning my wardrobe around it. (That last bit is a joke, I don't plan wardrobes, but my mom LOVES to so I threw that bit in there for her. Love you, Mom)

The kids picked out some new kicks.

Which they insist on wearing with athletic shorts.

Classy.

"Mom, can we get pretzels with mustard and lemon-aid while we watch the fish feeding at Bass Pro?" With big grins and cowboy boots upon their feet.

Sure.

"Oh mom, look at those Carmel apples. Have you ever had one?"

Yes, would you like one?

"Really? Can we?"

Sure.

"Mom you've never said yes this many times in a row before."

Once every 9 years the planets align and my wallet opens.

Come home

2010-07-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

This post started out just the pic of Mr. Johnson and me. But since y'all don't love him and miss him like I do I included the other two pics of our recent beach trip to keep your interest. I knew I missed him but not until this moment do I want him home NOW!!!

I know this because:

I am looking for any excuse to post photos of him

Eating Wheat Thins for breakfast and for pretty much every meal since he's been gone

I've counted the hours until I see his face again.

De-Worming

2010-07-08T04:59:00.000-07:00

One of the oh so many joys of living on a farm is de-worming. Horses, sheep, donkeys, cows, cats, dogs, goat....you name it (if it's been domesticated) I've dewormed it.

It's really glamorous, I know you wish you were me. There's so much to love about squirting 4 ounces of white paste down the gullet of an animal who doesn't want it there.

Most de-worming days are uneventful. However, when the stars align all hades breaks loose and every 4 legged creature has a death wish for me when they see me strolling across the pasture with a giant white tube. Today was that day.

I started with the smallest creature: 7lb. cat named Blazey. She looked the most docile and I can handle 7lbs. of crazy. At least I thought I could. She went spastic crazy. Claws out, crazy eyes, neck stiff, fur raised, spitting mad. She looked, in short, like a cat horror flick.

The other cats saw her display of evil and thought "hey, I should try that too" .

And they did. But they weigh A LOT more than 7 pounds. For instance, we have a cat, appropriately named Piggy Sue who hasn't left her post on top of the feed bags in 8 months. She makes a trip from the feed bags to the cat food and back about 11 times a day. It's no more than a 3 foot walk.

She's enormous....seriously huge. She looks like a baby hippopotamus.

Thinking her weight problem would be a hindrance to her agility and displeasure in the de-worming process since she loved to eat, I eyed her as an easy target. I was wrong. I held her in the crook of my arm and she new what was coming. She got to spitting, clawing, and cussing and I couldn't take it. She schooled me and I have the claw marks to prove it.

After these two dainty, lovely creatures I still had 5 more cats to attend to. None of them had a better attitude.

On to the horses who outweigh me by 1000 pounds but in most ways are much receptive to care than pesky felines. Not today.

Our resident Thoroughbred, PI (I haven't decided what these initials stand for. Private Inspector, Police Inquiry, 3.14159265, Polish Invasion, Post Intelligence, Pony Inferior.......), has held a long standing commitment to making my life hell for more than 3 years. He has deadly morning flatulence which I am convinced he holds until I pass behind him and then lets it rip, he poops in the barn ALL THE TIME and pees in the hay every chance he gets, he gets about 14 gallons of sweet feed a day but chooses to eat it one pellet at a time, and my least favorite PI characteristic: he hates de-worming like I hate snot suckers (more than just a little).

He's consistent.

I left the tube out of his line of sight and slipped the halter over his head and attached the lead rope to a support post in the barn. He could sense what was coming his way and lashed out. Bucking, rearing, ears laid back, kicking and sitting down before I even brought the tube out of it's hiding spot. I got the job done after 30 minutes and some one's head (not mine) was made immobile.

I'm wiped out and the kids aren't even out of bed yet.

I'm considering drinking my breakfast at Starbucks.

What I thought about today

2010-07-05T20:10:00.000-07:00

Things that have crossed my mind today:

1. Body odor. I should consider reversing my deodorant prohibition during the months of July and August. For the good of the nation.

2. Habanero almonds. I will eat about 10 pounds this week.

3. Steel Magnolias. My mascara is on my shirt.

4. Sore ankle. Devil Dog thought it would be a good idea to bear his teeth and growl at my first born.....bad, bad, bad idea Bruce. I'll let you use your imagination on why my ankle is sore. Hint: it has something to do with my dog's nasty disposition.

5. Vegetarianism. I have to think more about it........but I really want to buy and run a cattle farm in Montana (I'd be happy with Wyoming too) and I don't think I could do that being a veggie.

6. Parenting. It's hard as hoo-hoos right now. I'd rather pop in a few thousand Tom and Jerry movies and not deal with it. But I will. Because I have a vision for my children and nasty attitudes, laziness, and sassy-ness are not included in my vision.

7. Being sad. Ugg, I don't wanna. Because will I ever be happy if I start being sad? I more comfortable with mad.

8. Mr. Johnson is the best thing ever. Even better than owning a ranch in Montana (or Wyoming). I miss him....already.
8a. Bed time. I don't wanna. Unless Mr. Johnson is here keeping the bed warm...and he's not because he's out of town.

chow....I gotta go to bed so I can get up at the crack of an ungodly hour to feed a few entitled horses.

Character

2010-07-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am pissed at two specific members of the youth population. However, these are not unique youth, they are your everyday variety of wanna-be thug with equal parts attitude, disdain and entitlement. It all went down like this.

The kids and I were eating watermelon and lasagna talking about our day around the dinner table. Laughing and agreeing on the best and worst parts of our day when the dust of a darkly-tinted white coup caught my attention mostly because of the high rate of speed it achieved coming down my driveway. I watch with some curiosity as the driver took the curve in our circle drive at approximately 38 miles an hour. I expected Richard Petty to walk up to my door and try to sell me some Goody Power.

Instead of Richard Petty, two scrawny half dressed male teenagers I had never before laid eyes upon exited the vehicle and approached the pasture fence as the car and driver exited the property as quickly as she had arrived. My first thought: Bruce will get them. Not so, Bruce was much too intently feasting his eyes upon our lasagna to get his butt of the porch and investigate.

Sorry animal. Geesh, if one's gift is to be "mean as hell" shouldn't that gift be used at all times?

Since my guard dog fell down on the job I was up to bat.

The kids and I put on our shoes and walked down to the barn to investigate. The youth spotted me and proceeded to walk away further into the pasture without acknowledging my presence.

"Good afternoon, Gentlemen. I don't believe we've met."

grunts coming from the direction of the youth. Something about knowing someone who has a horse here and then more mumbles and failed eye contact as he sipped from his Big Gulp Slushy.

Let me take a moment to set the scene.

Youth one: Shirtless, jeans clinging to his lower thighs, bleached blonde hair, and 7 body piercing (2 of these were nipple piercings) that I counted. His underwear were blue-pinstriped and I am absolutely FURIOUS that I now know this intimate detail of a perfect stranger all the while holding a Big Gulp Slushy.
Youth two: Fully clothed with 5 known piercings and a hint of a bicep tattoo.

My sweet, innocent children and their equally modest young friend were standing about 2 feet behind me witnessing the whole scene.

"I am Elizabeth and I own this barn. Since you are not a boarder here or with a boarder you can not be with the horses in the pastures for liability reasons. Feel free to wait in this area, gesturing with my hands, to wait for your escort to come back."

Dumb looks.....Do they speak English I wonder? I consider translating into Ebonics.

''And young man pull your pants up. My children are here as well as myself and have no interest in your underwear."

Young man eyes me (or maybe that's just how his face looks).

I stare at him not moving my position until I see his his right is making progress to release his slushy and raise his trousers 18 inches to his waist. Why must I parent other people's children? I ask myself. Where is public decency and respect of persons?

Reluctantly, after a few long awkward moments young man pulls his britches up but has to hold them there as they are 15 sizes too large for his frame. I imagine the young man is sizing me up. I mean business. I've clean up cat crap with more character that this creep and he can sense it.

I politely go about my business moving horses and feeding. My children are snickering. They think it's funny that mommy is such a hard-ass to perfect strangers.

As I round the corner with a young colt that requires more attention than I am willing to give my new young guests I notice that youth #1 has let his britches fall and is standing about 5 feet from my impressionable children. Did I mention that this young person has about 16 pounds of metal hanging from his face and nipples?

"Young man, I was serious about your pants. If you can not keep your pants in the vicinity of your navel, leave. I do not appreciate your style and I can not lead my children to believe that this is acceptable dress, you are not a role model for my children."

More snickers from the peanut gallery behind me.

Youth #2 thinks this a good time to pipe up and enter the conversation for the first time. What he says surprises me.

"Yeah man you need a belt. Just hold your pants up until B gets back." Yes ma'am we understand, we will leave and wait for our ride by the road."

There were several more yes ma'am's and I understands. I don't really care. Just get your punk self out of my face.

Apparently, youth #2 had a mother who cared at some point. She had done a wonderful job instilling maternal fear into her spawn that is until she let her son hang out with this riffraff. I believe he sensed a moment was coming and it wasn't going to be pretty and he was right. He seized the opportunity to save his friends' neck from my surprisingly strong death grip around his neck.

His friend should really thank him.

Somehow I don't think that will happen.

My children and I went about our business feeding, watering, grooming and riding our horses. We talked about character, respect, and morals. About what is in your brain is reflected though your dress, attitude and the way other perceive you. I also mentioned that if any one of them came home with a nipple ring or any other disgusting metal adornment I would let Bruce the Devil Dog rip it from their flesh with his teeth.

They liked the thought of that for these two young men.

Mothers and fathers of America, when did it become okay to raise such unimpressive youth? When did Nickelodeon and MTV become acceptable parenting? What happened to:
hard work
respect
humbleness
eye contact
gratefulness
thankfulness
determination
honesty
persistence
cleanliness
helpfulness
loyal
trustworthiness
bravery
reverence
and clothing that covers all required areas of the anatomy.

****Side note**** where are these teens getting their clothing? Surely none of them are employed by a respectable corporation as no employer who wishes to turn an income would hire these children with 15 pounds and metal in their face and buttocks exposed to the elements. So are mom and dad buying kids this attire?

If we don't do the dirty job of parenting the world will and the world isn't nearly as nice about it as mommy.

I'm living proof.

Daydream

2010-06-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

This baby bird wasn't ready to fly the coop. He/she stayed around for an hour or so and then flew off with his/her mom and dad.

Goodbye June 28th....I CAN wait a year to see you again.

2010-06-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

Relief comes in all forms. At the end of this stressful day it looks like this:

1. Dinner. Shannon bringing me, no lie, the BEST meal of my entire life. It was perfect, yummy, wholesome and wonderful. Thank you Shannon. Your chocolate cake makes the world a better place.

2. Cipro. I can pee without pain again. Back pain, fever, chills, and fatigue still around ....but feeling better.

3. Sarah Price aka Perfect Playmate. My son is happy, excited, laughing, and having fun......those things haven't happened recently for him.

4. 7:36pm. The sun is low, my family is happy, healthy and under one roof.

I am grateful. It's been a long day.

Room #8

2010-06-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

Today started out like most others. A date with Bruce (aka Devil Dog) at the park at 5:45 for our morning stroll.

When I got home my husband was leaning on the kitchen counter staring into the distance. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure"

"I've had chest pains since I woke this morning....a lot of pains"

"What?" "Really?" secretly thinking...."Oh God not now"

We head to the hospital after he makes a few arrangements and my mom comes over to entertain two wholly unentertainable children.

Not much to say in the car. Just don't wreck, pay attention.

As the triage nurse shows us to Mr. Johnson's room she passes 20 unoccupied rooms.....TWENTY. At the end of a long hallway, the very last door, that room has many memories for me. Hard memories that I wish I could forget. "Oh please Lord, don't let us go into that room.....not now, not ever. I want to forget" I pray. As the room gets closer my mind begs my feet not to enter the room, I get nauseous, I don't want to be here. Is there any other room? Please not this one. Sweating, shaking, and fear. Has anything happened in this room that isn't sad? It's just a bad omen. Every cell in me pleads not to go in.

It's been 4 months today.

That room, the one I'd rather forget or better yet never experienced, is the room we are placed. As we enter the room the wall mounted TV was tuned to the soccer match. All I could hear was the blaring white noise of the horns and think my soul feels a lot like that right now.

It was weird to watch Mr. Johnson on the bed. It's my bed. The last place I was before it all fell apart. I remember every detail. The worried look on Mr. Johnson's face then is the same look upon my face now. The pink puke cups on the counter, and curtain that couldn't shield me from reality. It was all there. It looked so sterile. I thought about all the people who've had their lives altered in this room. Now my life would be altered in this very room again. Why here? Why not down the hall?

Mr. Johnson is stoic. I try but my eyes rim with hot tears. "Don't loose it now. Wait until I get home....not now" I plead with myself. Why didn't I wear waterproof mascara today? I saw it in the make-up stash and remember thinking, "Huh, it's been a while since I've worn that maybe I should throw it out."

I try to watch the soccer game. Mr. Johnson looks so different in a hospital gown. So vulnerable. So frail. I hate it. Should I talk? Does he want me to talk? I'm so nervous.

The cardiac nurse comes in to do some sort of an X-ray and asks me to wait outside the room. I stand in the hall and look at all the rooms full of people who may not receive good news today. Maybe today they will receive the worst news of their whole life today in this hospital just feet away from me, tucked away out of sight behind huge metal doors. I want to hug them and cry.

A nurse with blood collecting tools comes up and stands next to me in the hall. She is polite and friendly and makes chit chat. She asks me to stand further away from Mr. Johnson's room because of the radiation given off by the X-ray machine. "Your young" she says to me, "you'll want to protect those ovaries because you'll have some beautiful children someday." I start to cry and said "I wish that were true" but didn't let her see my face.

"Do you think we were put in this room for a reason?" he asks me when I come back in.

I don't know.

While we wait for results our friends and our pastor with his wife come in. Just having them there was comforting. Maybe the world won't spin out of control if other people are with us. Abby, the preacher's wife starts to cry when she's talking to me. My eyes rim again. I can't fall apart not here, not now.

The doctor enters the room. He's smiling and walks in briskly. My doctors didn't. They talked in low tones and slowly with no smile upon their faces. Being the bearer of bad news changes people. Thankfully, all of Mr. Johnson's tests came back normal. It was only stress. Some people do leave this room with good news I suppose. I am eternally thankful.

They pray for us. David (our friend) prays for "a cure for our broken-hearts" I love him. Mr. Johnson starts to cry after the prayer. I can't hold it together anymore. I sit on the bed with the intention of comforting him. I know how lonely that bed is. It's horrible. I sit with him with my head buried in his neck and arms stretched over his shoulders. Feeling him so close to me. I love him more than I love myself. I cry, and cry and cry and can't stop. "I need water proof mascara", I think. My body heaves and trembles. I can't stop and I don't want to stop. This room is horrible. I am cry for my husband and for me. He comforts me. Stokes my hair and then holds my head until I can breath on my own without him helping me.

He's perfect. I remember holding him when I was in that bed 4 months ago trying to comfort him. I wish we weren't here now doing this again. I wish I was stronger right now.

We gather our things and leave with good news. As we walked out I didn't even look back on the room that has altered our lives. I wonder if we'll ever see that room again and what news we'll hear in it.

Suffering: it's what's for dinner

2010-06-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

I feel "Ferberized" by God. For those of you who haven't had an infant in the past 15 years go here for a tutorial on Dr. Ferber's methods. In a nut shell it's the cry-it-out, I'm-not-coming-to-comfort-you method of child rearing. (Thankfully Dr. Ferber's methods are loosing popularity in the mainstream)

For months I have been crying out. But, God seems a lot like Dr. Ferber. I think he hears me but he's on the other side of the closed door and won't come into the room and pick me up and comfort me. It's very unsettling to view God as uncaring.

These feelings are more intense on Sunday's. I'm not sure why but they are. And to compound matters I express these feelings as anger. Many women cry or become depressed not me; just anger.

After attempting to change the way Mr. Johnson feels on a certain subject, I went off to binge on a box of chocolate cookies (You might guess that during this conversation things did not go my way. You'd be correct in that assumption). On the way to my cookie-coma, the book God Calling caught my eye. God kinda irks me right now because he answers all of my husbands prayers (don't let anything ever change and I'm perfectly content in all things) and ignores my prayers (Lord, help me I can't do it by myself I need change) Against my better judgement and lack of other reading materials close at hand I read the July 7 entry by complete chance and here's what it said:

PAINFUL PREPARATION
Help and Peace and Joy are here. Your courage will be rewarded.
Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason of it, and see too that it was not cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful lifework you are both to do.
Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered. Answered in a way that seems painful to you, but that just now is the only way.
Success in the temporal world with not satisfy you.
Great success, in both temporal and spiritual worlds, awaits you.
I know you will see this had to be.

God, I hope so. Because it sounds an awful lot like some sort of cosmic fortune cookie.

Today's topic of conversation at church was basically, Suffering: Its All You'll Ever Have. It's the only thing that seems to be a constant fixture in our lives right now. I almost forget what life was like when I could honestly answer the question "How are you?" with an enthusiastic "GREAT"

I wish

2010-06-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

My wish list for today: is:

1. My mom would start blogging.
1a. Jen would blog every thought she has everyday
1b. Shannon would blog more than once a week

2. Bonnie had a facebook account.

3. Extra time to exercise.

4. A volleyball net.

5. Boarders who won't bug me about petty things.

6. Better confrontational skills.

7. Good hair everyday for the rest of my life.

8. A natural resistance to poison ivy.

9. Wisdom without experience and patience without the need to practice it.

10. God spoke in audible tones or sent me an email.

11. A yard that doesn't look like it was shipped in from the Amazonian Jungle.

12. I liked cooking

13. The ability to surrender my desires or to wait patiently.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Mark Twain

2010-06-26T05:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Johnson spawn were full of energy and conniptions. I thought since it was 500 degrees outside that it would be a great day to go to Catawba Valley Science Center. You know, so they can learn something without me actually teaching it to them.

After arriving at the museum only to find that it's free Friday. Translate that to mean: crazy busy. After 45 minutes Eagle looked at me and said, "Have you had your fun yet? Can we go get ice cream now?"

So we spent over 2 hours in the car for a 45 minute quick spin around a museum my children were tolerating for my sake without any enjoyment on their part.

"Fine" but we have to make 2 stops at the feed store and homeschooling mecca on the way home.

"Argggggg, do we have to?"

"Nope, I can run all my errands while you two geniuses hit the books at the local elementary school."

FYI - I wouldn't ever do this but Eagle and Simi don't know that.

"Never mind mom, the feed store and homeschooling place sounds like so much fun"

Super.

2010-06-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

I am surly....no longer am I a woman but rather a force of nature to be reckoned with. Here's why....I think.

Last night I couldn't slow down and relax. So after I inhaled all of my chinese food and half of my husband's I knew I needed to chill out. Since I am a type A personality I can't possibly do that without alcohol. Here's the highlights after a half a bottle of White Zin:
1. Eagle schooled me in chess
2. I laughed so hard my abs went on riot.
3. We sat on the porch in a rain storm until 9:30
4. Mr. Johnson and reminisced and laughed for hours and hours
5. It was one of the best moments in my life

Fade to this morning:
1. Simi tells me as I step out of the bath that, "the man that Bruce bit on Monday is here with a lot of papers in his hand. I told him you were naked in the bathroom"

2. Jake runs in, "The dog has cornered the painter's and won't let them come to the door. I told them that you'd put on some clothes and come get the dog so they can get started."

Crap, now 2 more people than I am comfortable with know I am butt naked.

3. When I drop the kids off for their chess lesson one other mom corner's me. In her most charitable Christian way over the course of a 5 minute conversation manages to call about 85 different people "morons, idiots, stupid-to-the-point-it-hurts", and a few 4-letter words I won't repeat.

What a ray of #$%@&* sunshine.

4. When I picked up my kids 5 minutes early from chess to avoid Little Ms. Sunshine I discover that Jake had told his chess coach that he beat me pathetically the night before in chess and added that I had consumed alcoholic beverages and most likely, that's why I am an incompetent chess player....because I have no brain cells left. I WAS MY FIRST EVER CHESS GAME....give me a break.

Now Coach Baxter must think I am a lush and unfit mother.

5. One of my best friends calls to tell me her other best friend has horribly aggressive cancer.....and she's 20 weeks pregnant....and her oncologist wants her to abort. She's 29 years old.

Why isn't life fair? How can you make a decision like that?

6. My children have summer brain and have forgotten everything they so preciously learned for the past 8 and 6 years respectively. Instead of learning they'd rather tear around the house causing an enormous racket and drive me crazy.

7. I took a nap with Simi and had disturbing dreams which weren't improved by Jake waking me to tell me:
            a. "Mom, I found the largest tick in the world on Bruce's ear. Want to come see it?"
            b. " Mom, what do you think about jet packs? I'm saving my money to buy one."
            c. "Mom, I'm going to make a snack."
            d. "Hey mom I'm going outside again"...and proceeds to slam door for the 1,678,000 in the past 20 minutes.

8. I give up the ghost of a nap and step on the floor only to have my foot stung by a wasp waiting in ambush on the floor.

9. Simi awakens with the warmth and pleasantry of a overheated scorpion.

10. Jake and Simi run into the house covered in blood and a smile upon their faces only saying " MOM COME QUICK!!!" Apparently they thought it would be super cool to smash the bloated ticks from Bruce's ear with a hammer after they removed the ticks from Bruce. Apparently, ticks hold an impressive quantity of blood that can spurt long distances.

It's date night. I don't know rather to be happy that my parents can experience the joys of my children. Or feel sorry for Mr. Johnson for my foul mood.

2 things

2010-06-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

Good Afternoon.....

The kiddos and I went to care for our horses across the street who live with Mr. Johnson's mothers' cows. Did that make sense?
The horses, who we affectionately call, Bartles and James after the popular alcoholic drink because you can't have one without the other.

But they look like regular horses.

We were walking home after our horse chores when Eagle began philosophically wondering aloud why the Earth is full of valleys and mountains, stream, and icebergs, forests and desserts instead of being flat a smooth all over. His conclusion: God doesn't want us to be board. I agree.

On the way home we decide to pick up litter. Which is nasty because we live in the south and every Bojangles cup thrown from a car window has 'baccer juice in it....at least we hope, it could be other equally unappealing substances.

I pick up the first cup which is thankfully clean. On the ground next to it was a $4 off coupon to Food Lion. Reward? I think so.

Eagle recited a poem in honor of our find.

If I Knew Anon

If I knew the box where the smiles were kept,
No matter how large the key
Or strong the bolt, I would try so hard,
It would open, I know, for me
Then over the land and sea broadcast
I'd scatter the smiles to play,
That the children's faces might hold them fast
For many and many a day.

If I knew a box that was large enough
To hold all the frowns I meet,
I would gather them, every one,
From nursery, school, and street;
Then, folding and holding, I'd pack them in,
And turn the monster key,
And hire a giant to drop the box
To the depths of the deep, deep sea.

I laughed. How many children recite poetry in the normal context of a day? Mine do.

......In unrelated news.....

Bruce aka Devil Dog had a run-in with an Energy United meter reader.

For several months we've joked and laughed about the relationship between Devil Dog and the meter reader. Devil Dog seems to sense the imminent arrival of the white F-150 marked with green lettering and waits at the tip of the electric fence with a smirk on his face and a heart full of sin.

As the meter reader approaches the underground fence that signifies Bruce's boundary he stops. He roots in the passenger seat for a bag of dog bones. Once located, the dog bones are hurled one by one as fast and long in the opposite direction of the meter in need of reading as possible. In hopes of distraction and satisfying the Devil Dog's lust for gang violence.

For months this system has worked for both the meter readers safety and the Johnson Family's amusement. We've remarked at the increase in speed and agility of the young meter reader. We were really rooting for the young man.

Yesterday the Devil Dog was in no mood for fun and games. Only flesh and blood would sooth him. When the unsuspecting meter reader exited the safety of his Ford Bruce was on him like White Fang. I wasn't there so the only witness is a 6 year old whose favorite response is "YES" to every question I ask.

From what I've gathered (as the meter reader didn't stick around to tell his side of the story), Bruce stole the meter readers electronic recording device and then went for the young man's digits but not before raising ever hair on his body and snarling his dental work.

By the time my youngest came to relay the story the meter reader was no more than a cloud of dust at the end of our very long driveway.

Bruce has a date with a special clinic known for their neutering capabilities in a 2 weeks. We'll see if Bruce sheds his nickname of Devil Dog for something sweeter and milder.

I'm done

2010-06-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm internal. I only share the tip of the iceberg. I'm afraid the things I say will be taken out of context or not taken seriously, or be too much information for the audience. Risking the fear of over exposure I'm gonna share. Please don't make me feel sorry I did.

I've stared down God, lost my faith, felt helpless hopelessness in such abundance that it shook me to my core. I thought I'd never feel normal again. Grief so profound that I couldn't fathom a future. My life seemed to end and that thought wasn't scary. Every day felt like a marathon uphill on the hottest day in July without water.

Those emotions feel like a lifetime in the past. In reality it was only months ago. But, if I think about that time those emotions feel as real today as they did then.

But then I remember even though my devastation seemed complete and total it wasn't. I've added a few more emotions since then. Like peace. Even though I'll never feel grateful for my pain I have learned a few things. I'll try to articulate them as best as I know how.

Compassion. Pain is real no matter the cause. It deserves tender care not a power of the will to get rid of it. Compassion has no time table it's willing to take all the time in the world.

Faith. God will not leave me but he will let me grieve as long as I need. Faith came back once I reached acceptance. I never thought I'd be alright again. But I am. I don't know if time heals all wounds but my God can.

Peace. I can't will peace into existence. I just can't. God gives it as a gift when I am ready for it.

Sometimes I have moments of heart-sickness. But my life is sunny again.

June 14-18

2010-06-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

Week wrap-up

1. Alex, a 10 year old boy with profound Asperger's Syndrome, and I forged a understanding friendship at scout camp this week. I really got him and his struggles. My heart roots for him, prays for him and sees the joy and possibility he is. I pray the rest of the world see the brilliance in him without judgement of his packaging.

2. Grief doesn't scare me anymore.

3. I love shooting guns, tying knots, hiking, orienteering, canoeing, volleyball, obstacle courses, archery, and riding horses. I'm taking my television and Wii out back and will beat them to a pulp.

4. The twins from scout camp are 21. I was unable to snap a photo-opportunity because apparently attractive 21 year olds have better things to do than hang out at scout camp all week. Bummer......there's always next year.

5. The archery instructor and I never resorted to physical violence. I did however have the opportunity to take her down in the vacant ladies room on the last day of camp but the heat (or Jesus) had gotten to me and I just didn't have the strength to hurt her anymore.

6. I love camp.

New River

2010-06-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

The kiddos and I went on a camping trip this weekend on the New River. If you take out a defalted air mattrass, hot as blazes daytime temps, burnt food (grrr...why oh stinkin why do I burn everything over a gas grill?), and leaches it was awesome.

It really was fun.

You're jealous

2010-06-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my day.

A few months back around Christmastime a so-called 'friend' told me about the joys and glee of cub scout summer camp. She encouraged me to volunteer, give back to the community, and bestow my wisdom, compassion, and leadership qualities upon the youth of Mecklenburg county.

I believed her.

I signed up to HELP out in some SMALL, let me emphasize, SMALL infinitesimal way.

Today I show up with all and enthusiasm of one who has no known responsibility and likes it that way. Only to discover I am the sole responsible party for 12, eight and nine - year old hyped up boys.

Oh happy day.

Thankfully the Good Lord blessed me with 12 wonderful, easy, polite and interesting children. Not so with the other dens I've seen.

The only complaint I have is the archery instructor. She's an archery Nazi. I am experiencing emotions of great dislike. This woman is soaring high on her power trip and I'm gonna take her down. I don't know when my fuse will blow but I've sized her up and pretty sure I will be victorious in a cage match.

The best part of the day....obstacle course. Which happens to be run by two ridiculously good-looking Eagle scouts. I hope to God they are over 20. I did the obstacle course 3 times in 95 degree heat just to see their angelic faces. My face was somewhat less than angelic after I finished running a half mile, pull-ups, army crawl, log rolling, vaulting, tires, and bounding over a 7 foot high wall 3 times. But oh my they were worth it.

Check in later in the week and hopefully I'll have pictures of the twins and a picture of the archery instructor being carried away on a stretcher after I'm done with her.

Wish me luck......

True love

2010-06-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

When I was young I thought love expressed took on one of these many forms:

1. dinners out

2. constant phone calls

3. romantic words

4. expensive, frivolous gifts

5. A huge honkin diamond ring

I was wrong

This is love:

Oh joy, oh joy it's a new dishwasher and washing machine

2010-06-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

My day in numbers:

445 - the time at which I awoke...a.m. whew it's a wonder I still have a smile on my face.
6 - number of miles Bruce the dog and I walked in the dark at 5:30 this morning.
1 - number of foxes my dog antagonized and came within in inches of engaging in paw to paw combat.
45 - miles an hour. The estimated speed I was traveling when Bruce exited the vehicle unexpectedly.
7 - feet of skid marks left when I realized the dog was no longer my traveling companion.
2 - number of children who woke up with symptoms of pink eye.
5 - number of meals I have served so far today.
40,000,000,000 - number of times Eagle cackled with laughter as he read Were the Red Fern Grows. I don't remember that being a humorous novel.

Despite all that it's a great day.

Edelweiss

2010-05-07T19:08:00.000-07:00

I was washing a mountain of dishes because my china cabinet imploded and destroyed all of my grandmother's dishes and great-grandmother's dishes while preserving all the cheap, plain and meaningless chinaware.

There were glass shards on every dish. Mandating that I must wash every piece of tableware.

I was hand washing the dishes because the dishwasher went on strike last week.

Expecting an important call, I foolishly laid my cell phone on the counter next to me.

One infinitesimally small droplet of water ruined my phone.

My phone is insured for everything BUT.....water damage.

At least it's Friday.....

But wait there's more, my precious 5 year old just ran up stair and showed me the clump of hair she sheared from the back of her head.

I'm going to my happy place. Fade in Edelweiss.....

Family

2010-05-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

My attitude has been so great for the past 2 weeks or so. Today not so much.

I miss the possibilities of having a larger family.

It saddens me to send all my children's clothes to Goodwill or give-away because there isn't another little one at home to benefit.

I love being a mom. I love homeschooling. I love my family. Why does God say "enough" to something I love?

I am saddened by my children growing, becoming more independent and little citizens of the world with a life outside of me; not because this growth isn't good but my time clock on parenting is counting down....faster than I feel comfortable with.

I feel like I've got more to give.....cheerfully and enthusiastically.....why not me, Lord?

What next Lord? What is your plan? I can't tell.

I need an extra dose of patience, peace, and submission today. I'm fighting my desire to give in to heart-sickness....it's so hard today, but I won't give in because

I

TRUST.

Even

When

It

Looks

Hopeless..........

Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

PPS

2010-05-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

I forgot to post my pants in the previous post. You'll probably be seeing more of these than you care to over the next weeks.

I really like the way they turned out. If you are into tie-dye like me check out http://www.beandawgdyes.com/ You can order premade or just get ideas like me.

Friday Fun

2010-05-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

End of the Week Homeschool Fun

Spent the afternoon in the hammock reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I know a little boy who reminds me a lot of Tom......

The Avett Brothers - I And Love And You

2010-05-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

You won't be sorry you've listened to this.

Weekend Wrap up

2010-05-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been with my people, my brethren, my kin-folk. Those who pass on antiperspirant, have a bent towards patchouli and tie-dye, acoustic music, and patchwork, haven't cut their hair since Clinton was in office and perfectly at home in a tent without running water for months. Here's the tame pics.

That's my redhead in the bottom left

Waiting on the Avett Bros

Wylie and the Wild West

(the guy who did the Yahoo commercial)

Listening to picking incognito

Jake picked up on the peace vibe

The Avett Bros are AWESOME

perfect day

Tonight is Simi's turn to say the evening meal prayer. She prays for the Earth, the feelings of the Earth, and the people of the Earth and tie-dye........maybe we've spent too many days at festivals.

On The upside here's our address for the weekend:

Not a neighbor for miles and miles.....perfect. The view was just like lyrics to a Willy Nelson song

Thanks Mary

Waterfall

2010-04-26T17:43:00.000-07:00

Rivers are beautiful.

Waterfalls are majestic, awe-some, inspiring, terrifying, complicated, and gorgeous.

Life is beautiful.

Crisis are majestic, awe-some, inspiring, terrifying, complicated and gorgeous depending on your point of view.

The weeekend wrap up

2010-04-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

With the last post "out" I can share what else has been going on :)

Simi graduated from home school kindergarten.

Simi is on the left.

Hiking is good for my soul.

South Mountain, NC

"Surprise! I bet you didn't see us here" - Johnson spawn

Linville Falls, NC

"Mom, do millipedes trip?"

Looks super nasty but it's not. Try one, you could defy your eyes and surprise your taste buds.

1 Tbs Chia seed or Flax seed

2-3 cups organic spinach

1 organic banana

1.5 cups almond milk

handful of ice

Put ingredients in blender in order of appearance, save ice. Blend for 1 minute then add ice.

Serious energy my friends.

I don't know how to title this.

2010-04-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

My delinquency is posting regularly isn't a symptom of blogging boredom, rather it's a signal of an inward journey. The story I am about to share isn't complete so it will most likely be strewn with heartache, bitterness, with a dash of injustice. Forgive me in advance. This isn't a pretty story with a neat and tidy storybook ending. Although one day there maybe a happy ending, today isn't that day.

I didn't know I was pregnant.

I did know I was in a ton of pain.

That pain was my fallopian tube bursting but I thought it was a stomach bug.

I lived my life normally for 2 weeks.

The pain came back.

I go to ER.

I am told I am pregnant.

I burst into tears knowing.

Bad news. Baby dead. More bad news. My one and only fallopian tube is destroyed and removed.

In one fell swoop it was all gone. The baby I wanted and the hope of having another....gone. No more, never again, finished, done, no hope, no chance, FINAL.

For 3 weeks I was fine. I thought this was a mere speed bump in my life. I smiled a lot, I laughed, I acted as if everything were fine, I thought I was over it.

3 weeks to the day, crushing grief. I couldn't do anything but cry. Why me? Is there a God? I thought God loved me? Will I ever accept this? Will it destroy me? What now? Why do I feel so isolated? Where is the justice?

I desperately was looking for anything to take away the pain. ANYTHING. I felt enormous self-imposed pressure to fix it, avoid the pain, make it all better. At the time I couldn't confront the grief and walk though it. I wanted to go around it. IVF, adoption, anything but this .......NOW. If I thought I was overly invested in conception before, now I was obsessive about ridding myself of the pain.

Let me insert here: Mr. Johnson is an honest to God saint. The man did everything in his power to comfort me, accept the way in which I was dealing/not dealing with the grief. He said everything right. He's perfect.

In the end I've decided to walk though the pain. My promise is "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I used to wonder if I'll always be consumed by grief forever, but now I know I won't. I am living though my messy, painful grief and it's getting better. I'm not done yet but hope is creeping in for the future.

Sometimes God gives desire before he's ready to see it fulfilled.

SPring fever

2010-04-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

3 days ago

Today

I LOVE spring

Major Fail

2010-03-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Check List that must be completed EVERYDAY without fail:
1. Brush teeth
2. Style hair in socially accepted fashion
2. Wash hair more than once every 4th day
3. Wear a push-up bra...sports bras are not acceptable attire outside of a gymnasium facility.
4. Make-up is a necessity, not for my self esteem but for those I encounter.

Failure to comply with above stated "check list" invites the Universe to inflict random punishment. Today's punishment was having the Mount Mourne Fire Department witness me in all my home-schooling mom glory. You must know what this means.....stereotypical homeschooling mother:
1. Denim jumper.... Check
2. Unwashed hair... Check
3. Organic whole grains and leafy greens stuck in teeth...check.
4. Unflattering hair, non-existent make-up and husband's t-shirt.....check
5. Looking a solid 15 years older than my chronological age...check

I am tempted to call the fire department once more. This time I will have every detail in place. I need to set the record straight.

happy, happy, joy, joy

2010-02-02T04:28:00.000-08:00

This blog post won't make much sense unless I give you some history. It's dark history...so don't judge me...I'm a work in progress.

Last week I was at a church meeting (insert groans and whining here). When it wrapped up I was making small talk with a christian brother who I know relatively well. I asked the innocent "How are you doing?" question.

Let me take a break right here to inform all my friends and acquaintances that when I ask "how are you?" I want the real deal. The good, the bad and the ugly. I cherish honesty, mostly because I want to know you have struggles too.....it just makes me feel normal.

My christian brother didn't have the flavor of gloom, self-pity, or bitterness I was looking for. He smiled and said "it's been the best week of my life." Argh, I just wanted to punch him in the face. How dare you have a thankful heart. Being a Christian, I chose a follow up question instead of violence, "Really? Tell me, did you win the lottery? Buy a new car? Did a extravagantly wealthy relative write you into his will?" To my own shock and awe he tells me, "No, no and no". Even more irritating to my ears, he informs me he has no human reason for his joy.

Normally this wouldn't bother me...pfff, who am I kidding, this will ALWAYS bother me. I struggle with thankfulness and spontaneous joy. In fact, I am rather brazen in my disdain of unnecessary joy (ask my prayer partners. My rage is barely containable when they sing the thankful song to me. However, in my defense they do it to piss me off. Come to think of it, it may benefit me to find new prayer partners. Just kidding, Beth and Shan-noon. I could never leave you and your level of obnoxious early Saturday morning joy)

I am painting myself as a somewhat sour and cold person, I am quite the opposite. My sense of humor is intact, I nearly always have fun being me, and I rarely have a bad mood brewing. I just need a reason for joy.

Three weeks ago I had the first inkling that something was amiss. I knew from reading the B-I-B-L-E what was asked from me. (Read Thessalonians 5:16-18...it's my least favorite verse but should be my theme song) I just couldn't reconcile how to be joyful in the midst of disappointing circumstances. It rang fake and contrived to me. Whats so wrong with saying how one really is? Why must I put a happiness spin on something that is clearly not happy? Is it not alright to have a bad hour, day, week, month or year without rallying the exuberant inner cheerleader?

After 16 minutes of serious reflection 3 weeks ago I believe it is. I refuse to be fake. Then, I forgot the whole matter.

This morning during my bible reading time joy started to creep in on me. I tried to shrug it off by meditating and repeatedly chanting all the disappointments and struggles in my life. Infertility, financial stress, relationship problems, (Let the record show, every relationship problem I have is the other person's fault. hahahahaha), my job, my insecurities etc. It didn't work as planned. Bugger. Absolutely NONE of my circumstances have changed or disappeared but joy is creepin' in (Insert Nora Jones & Dolly Parton singing Creepin In right here)
.

Really Lord? This isn't what I had in mind.

2010-01-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across these questions by John Wesley by accident several months ago and they reminded me of the 20 questions survey that gets passed around via email. I love those questionnaires, not to fill them out, but to read others answers. I like these questions much better than 'what your favorite alcoholic drink' or 'what's your middle name.' I intend to ask myself these questions everyday for the next year and see how far I will grow. As the saying goes: "Don't you judge me" it's only my first day.

1.Am I creating the impression that I am better than I am?
   Not today but yes I have many, many times before.
2. Am I honest in all my acts and words?
    Yes, maybe too honest and not enough love.
3. Do I break confidence---tell the secrets of others?
    No.
4. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, habits.
   Yes. Today it's my hair.
5. Can I be trusted?
   Yes.
6. Am I self conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?
     nope
7. Did God's Word live in me today?
   I like to think so.
8.Am I enjoying my prayer time?
   No. not at all. This is where it gets real peeps. I am in a dark place with prayer. I wonder, does it matter?
Pray for me.
9. When was the last time I shared my faith?
With a horse boarder yesterday.
10. Do I pray about the money I spend?
   Yes. I pray that I won't spend money or blow the budget.
11. Do I go to bed and wake on time?
   Yes.
12. Do I disobey God in anything?
No. Not that I am aware of
13. Do I have an uneasy conscience?
Yes. I think I stole hay from an uncle-in-law and I wonder if I am a good enough mom.
14. Am I defeated in any part of my life?
   Yes. Email me and I'll be happy to share.
15. Am I jealous, impure, critical, touchy, irritable, or distrustful?
   Jealous of a woman in Harris Teeter tonight with beautiful hair (I am a slave to hair) and I am a little irritable teaching my 5 year old to read and I am ashamed of that.
16. Am I proud?
No.
17. How do I spend my spare time?
Reading and cleaning. I wish it were playing games with my kids or teaching them a new skill like sewing or knitting.
18. Do I thank God I'm not like others?
No.
19. Is there anyone I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, disregard or resent?
No, yes, no, yes, yes, and yes. I have to get the 'yes' number down on this question......
20. Do I grumble and complain?
Not today.
21. Is Christ real to me?
The church answer is 'yes, of course' but the reality of my circumstances makes me question my faith today.

Day one is always the hardest...my momma said there would be days like this....

What I do know

2010-01-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

I am changing this kid's name to Huck Finn.

I wouldn't at all be surprised if he rigs up a raft and floats down the

Catawba River with a friend named Jim someday.

This is a pre-swim photo.

She also collected 45 lbs of quarts, only green mussels, and a vertebrae from and unidentified fauna. She told me the bone "was probably old because the bacteria had eaten away the flesh.....because it doesn't smell anymore." I promise she's never watched CSI.

Future biology/geology major.

This dog has an uncanny swimming ability; holding his breath for 10 seconds while 'fishing' for clams.

He ate the shell and all.

Yum-O Bruce.

Most of all I love having a sunburn in January.

Questions?

2010-01-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

What do you think about following your heart?

Can one's heart be trusted?

Is it better to patiently endure or be proactive and change when life's situations become unbearable?

Is it okay to have a bad week, month or year? And not apologize for it? And can you resist fake cheerfulness or joy? Are you the kind of person who isn't uncomfortable with negative feelings?

Could you imagine what my life would look like if I was true to my heart?

How do you feel about making mistakes? How do you feel about forgiving yourself for the mistakes?

How do your feel about failure? Why is my fear of failure so large? Why is failure scary? Do I think I am above it?

How does one know when to act upon a feeling? After a week, a month, a year or more?

I don't know.

I do know that my kids and I are going to get lost and enjoy it on this beautiful day.

SMACKDOWN 2010 Elizabeth: 0, Chucky: 16

2010-01-12T11:17:00.000-08:00

Tally of the day's events
6: number of times I was kicked
3: number of times I was spat upon
1: number of times I got a finger pointed in my face while a stern NO was issued
7:number of times I thought about reinstituting the no spanking ban on other's people's children rule
4: number of time I was slapped
5: number of times the nursery staff had to pull me off of a 3 year old with a bad attitude
1: number of times I told the nursery staff that I would no longer help in the nursery

All this happened within 2 hours.

When the mom of Chucky picked her son up from the nursery I gave her a nasty, knowing look. I'm sure it's not the first time she's gotten that look.

Wanna-Be

2010-01-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

My Saturday Fun.

Some months ago, being newly implanted into scouting, I naively said 'yes' to hosting the annual scouting banquet. The cubmaster could, no doubt, see my awe and wonder in the scouting process and festivities and thus deduced I would be a good fit for the title of 'hostess'.

That was 4 months ago.

But in the spirit of commitment and follow-though I am remaining loyal to my original charge. Since I know as much about scouting as my children know about laundry (nothing, absolutely nothing) I had to attend an annual training session. 'Oh goody' was my sincere response to learning of my expected attendance. It's ture, I love all things informational, workshop-y, and resourceful handouts. However, having attended I'm not so giddy. First off, it should have been obvious being a scouting forum, I was one of 3 women out of 350 people....do the math.

9:00 - show up (on time...yeah me) for my first class: Crafts On A Budget. Honestly, it was a time filler. There is no secret of my distane for crafts. Instead of participate I took a full page of snarky, critical notes about the teacher with abnormally small hands and bloated craft pride. In reality I was jealous. This man was born in a craft tree and hit every limb climbing down. His 'craft bag', he called it/her Molly, was filled with everything you would ever need for any crafting situation. From multi-colored pip cleaners to tracing paper this man took the charge of the Boy Scouts "Be Prepared" quite literally.

For fun this man would randomly shout out craft trivia such as:
"Who can think of something crafty to do with this clothes pin?
eye dagger
"What about this craft hammer and brad"
Do it yourself lobotomy
"What creative ideas do you have for this wax paper?"
smothering myself
You get the idea. I was not in my element and I was not his favorite student, but he humored me.

10:15 - Wish with all my might I would develop acute and sudden onset appendicitis to give me a excuse to leave.

10:30 Blue and Gold Banquet Workshop
This class was a bit difficult to take in. I'll have to refer to my notes:
OH CRUD-OLA. I can't to this
is all I have scribbled on pages 1-15.

On page 16:
Tell Cub master there is no way on the planet you can do this. Tell him anything to get out of it. Cry, beg, plead, fake your own death if need be.
To do list:
Start drafting your obituary.

I do vaguely remember some lingering stares and pathetic glances from the other workshop takers who have had their banquets planned since spring 2006.

11:13 - consider running away and never being heard from again.

11:30 - A lady from my class offers to take me to lunch. I listen for 90 minutes....I don't particularly remember the topic that was so dear to her heart but she was quite heartfelt in her delivery.

1:30 - Outdoor cooking
Whats there not to love about being in the beautiful out-of-doors and food? I'll tell you what.... 16 degrees, windy, and everything (I mean everything) that we made had milk/butter/or some form of animal flesh in it.
It was now apparent to me that my promising day of festivities was as diverting as going to the OBGYN.

3:00 - Consider making a mad dash to my car. I was feeling the early stages of insanity creeping in.

3:15 - Cub Scout Science
Here's class I can get exciting about. Eagle lives for science and I am always looking for more ideas and experiments. Iam expecting a great resource of information instead I got great interest in my smell.

"What's that smell....like some thing's on fire?" my fellow classmate asks me as I walk in
"That would be me, I just took the outdoor cooking class" I answer
"Well then, that makes you smokin' hot, I guess." he replies
"That comment makes you super creepy, I guess" I answer

Next classmate files in
"Oh my what is that smell??????" she shrieks
"It's Essence De Campfire, I was in the outdoor cooking class." I say
No response. I notice she picks the chair with the greatest distance from my own

Yet another classmate files in
"Where's the fire?"
"That would be me...I was just in the outdoor cooking blah blah blah" my patience growing noticeable thinner
"You are smokin'...." said like a zit covered freshman
"Yes, thanks for noticing."

About 15 more people file into class and every last one of them comments on the campfire smell inhabiting the room. I'm starting to take it personally.

Teacher enters class.
"Oh my G_ _, what's that smell?"

For being the outdoorsy type of folk these scouting leaders had apparently never been near a campfire.

I could think of many, many other things I'd rather fill my Saturday's with. Joining a polar bear club, reading War and Peace, cleaning out bed pans, and skydiving without a parachute all rank higher on my list of Fun Things To Do on A Saturday above attending another Boyscout Workshop.

Until next year, Namaste Khaki.

Last Children Left in the Woods

2010-01-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

Mr. NC Weather got the message: Warm up...or else

Today was tolerable so the Johnson Family went for a hike.

I'll share 3 of the 47,000 picture I took.

I'd love to share the rest but they take forever to upload.

Our dog can walk on water....what does your dog do?

Johnson children are fascinated by ice.

They are writing a book entitled: One Billion and One Experiments With Ice

Look for it at your local retail bookshop soon.

Sometimes you find it when you aren't looking for it.

Nature does the body good.

PS: rumor has it it'll be in the middle 50's by the end of the week.

Old Man Winter is running scared :)

71 days

2010-01-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

Dear North Carolina Weather,

I hate you. There is no love in my heart for you this winter. I hate spending 5 months out of the year with you. Really, must you depress my mood, dry my skin, and confine me to my house? Can I introduce you to Mr. Caribbean and Mrs. Tahiti Weather? Maybe they will be a good influence on your behaviour. Ever since you started hanging out with Old Man Winter and those hooligans from North of the Jet Stream I've notice you've become hard to live with. I expect immediate positive changing in your attitude and behaviour or else I'll be forced to send you to military school.

I'm betting you are a visual learner, Mr. NC Weather, so I'll break it down for you like a preschooler:

No more of this

More of this

Shape up or ship out,

Elizabeth Johnson

me gusta nadar.....ahora

2010-01-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

My friend Bonnie is an excellent swimmer. She's the type of lady who swam through all three pregnancies and has three kids who are confident, accomplished swimmers. I wouldn't be surprised to see all three of them competing in the Olympics someday in the not so distant future smashing records. Bonnie and I and our 5 kids swim together 3-4 times a week at the Y. Usually, I just tolerate the swimming (I go to talk to Bonnie and our kids love each other).

Today was different. Bonnie threw me her goggles and told me go 'have fun ' in the lap pool while she watched my kids. 'Have fun' and 'swimming laps' have never been used in the same sentence exiting my mouth without the preposition 'never', as in I never have fun swimming laps. Let me interject right here my dislike of swimming for exercise. My father is an incredible swimmer. If, given the opportunity, my father would give Michael Phelps a run for his money. I'm not saying my dad would beat Michael Phelps I'm saying he would CRUSH Michael.

This is what Michael Phelps looks like after my dad beats the swim trunks of him. (ewww)

I can see the shock and awe in Michael's eyes, can't you?

From a young age my dad thought it imperative for me to swim...not just swim without drowning but to swim with style. So I spent the most of my summers in the Davidson College Aquatics Center learning technique and strokes......not as much fun as it sounds. Thus began my unenthusiastic career as a reluctant swimmer that has continued until today.

After my first lap, Bonnie's kid had beat me to the opposite end of the lap with minutes to spare (his hair had dried by the time I reached him)I opened my mouth to ask the kid, "how can you do that?" but I couldn't talk.....I made sounds like a sick hippopotamus unable to form intelligent English syllables due to the oxygen deprivation to my brain. Seriously, my lungs had rioted and gone on a smoke break leaving me helpless and in need of CPR. The lifeguards gave me more than just a passing glance as they noticed my lack of gills unlike the rest of the swimmers in the pool.

Let me state that I consider myself a fairly in shape girl. I can run a competitive 5k (I have the trophies and ribbons to prove it), don't tire easily, and exercise more than the average American yet I experienced pulmonary arrest. How can this be?

Bonnie told me I need to do a triathlon.......I'm considering it. I really did like it and it's a challenge to see if I can improve enough to whoop up on Bonnie's kids. Maybe her kids will consider training me.

To do list

2010-01-07T05:49:00.000-08:00

Decisions I should make today:

1. I have to face the Terror Kids and their mother today. Remember them from 3 weeks ago? I'm not sure what to say.....some possibilities are:
A. I lost your number
B. I lost my phone
C. I lost my mind after I spent 45 minutes with your family

2. How much do I love my job right now (horse boarding)? Less than somewhat. Here's my options:
A. Close up shop
B. Arson...and hope for a stellar insurance settlement
C. Get a paper route

3. Revamp Children's Ministries at church. It needs some fresh vision
A. Complain, whine, and stall
B. Do nothing and watch it shrivel and die
C. Put on my big girl panties and deal with it

4. I need more exercise because it makes me a better mommy and I'd like to run a marathon by the end of the year. I could:
A. Eat a box of oatmeal cream pies and feel so sorry for myself
B. Go swimming at the Y with my clan
C. Use child watch against my better judgement and go for a run (it's the germs I don't like, not that I am afraid of leaving them in the care of the Y)

5. My husband works 24 hour days 7 days a week....well at least it feels like that. My choices:
A. Complain and demand better
B. nag
C. Suck it up, put on my apron, and make his life as easy as possible....this one would make it more fun.

What decisions do you need to make today?

Cold

2010-01-04T07:23:00.000-08:00

Ask me about my Monday morning.

I woke up to a cat (Big old Fat stinky face Machers who is shocking agile for his 13 years) running laps around our bed. The routine he likes best involves him jumping on my side at the pillow, then makes a mad dash towards Mr. Johnson's head, skids to a sliding stop on Mr. Johnson's bed side table knocking off the lamp, cell phone, and spare change. All the while he makes a noise very similar to the ring of a phone attached to a megaphone. Mr. Graham-Bell would be pleased. The cat will do this as many times as necessary until we feed him. This activity makes Mr. Johnson oh so very happy.

My cat-like reflexes were well tuned this morning. I caught Big Old Fat Stinky Face Mackers on lap 2 by the tail just as he was closing in on Mr. Johnson's face. I find it remarkable because I was in REM sleep.

Without looking at the clock I was hoping that the time was around 1:30am so I could have 4.5 more hours of glorious sleep......It was 6:00. Dern, I can't go back to sleep that quickly. So I padded into the living room looking for some reading material. I pick out the Bible and a study called A Gentle and Quite Spirit By Elizabeth George (I don't recommend it). Just as my butt hit the couch Mr. Johnson announces that, "we have no water, the well is frozen. I'm going to Lowe's to buy another heat lamp."

No sooner are the words are out of his mouth, Bruce the Brute jumps up on the couch as is his morning custom after he comes in from his outdoor duties. "What is that smell?" I am sniffing the blanket, couch, air filter, then I spot it all over Bruce's neck. I'm not sure if it was digested food or a dead animal but it was pungent and Bruce was covered.

I take Bruce to the bathroom and dump him in the bath with the intent to scrub him down with some caustic chemical when I remind myself we have no water. "Argh, Bruce you get to camp-out in the bathroom until we have indoor plumbing again." Bruce looked really, really pleased to relish his unique stink for a few more hours.

Again, I reside on the couch with my unfulfilling book until Eagle wakes. At the top of the stairs he announces his dire thirst and want of a really hot bath. "No can do this morning, bud, we have no water" I say. Eagle doesn't acknowledge my information with words only mild annoyance of the stink eye and goes into the kitchen for juice. Not a morning man......

As the sun comes up I decide to go to the barn a feed the ponies. I quickly learn it's 16 degrees which is cold enough to rearrange the anatomy of a brass monkey. Horse grain is frozen. Skin is surprisingly ineffective protection as evident of 10,000 nicks, cuts and scrapes all over my hands. Even more surprising, the 75 gallon water trough is empty when it was brimming full not even 11 hours ago and I have no way to fill it. I sense the horses are playing some sort of unamusing practical joke on me. (Every horse would have to drink 13 gallons in 11 hours....average is 10 gallons in 24 hours)

As the horses ate I stretched out every hose in my possession in the sun in hopes of reviving one to fill the water trough. I don't know what I was thinking....nothing will melt, even in the sun, at 18 degrees fahrenheit. However, the fire ant mounds were active.... and they were laughing at me. How can that be?

Eventually the well unfroze and all was well again. (I like that pun) But St.Martin sounds great right now.

Stop

2010-01-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

laundry

2010-01-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

Mount Saint Johnson

Interview of Mrs. Johnson by the Johnson Children

Kids: Mom what did you want to be when you were little?

Mrs. Johnson: I wanted to travel the world

Kids: Oh, so you didn't always want to fold laundry, vacuum and make food?

Mrs. Johnson: Not until I met you.

Take me home

2010-01-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

Every winter I want out of the harsh wind and ungodly cold and fly south. I try to talk Mr. Johnson into moving but he's so attached to the area it's a futile conversation. In my second attack I google 'cheap air fare to__________', usually Hawaii or a Caribbean destination. My only requirements are white sand beaches and temps around 85 degrees. Then I came back to reality realizing that Dave Ramsey would not endorse that get away.

Most recently, Jake and I have made a pact with each other. We have vowed to save every spare dime to put into the vacation kitty. Bless my son, he and I both share thin skin and a primal need for gobs of direct sunlight. Right now we have $36 and some change. We are both aware that the vacation stash will take a while but we are patient people. So until January 2020, when Jake and I can afford our flights to Grand Cayman, I'll have to satisfy myself with mental escape: looking at warm weather photos.

If I shut my eyes I can feel with warm air, gentle breeze, smell of a BBQ grill, hear the buzzing cicada's and watch the flirting fireflies on a warm June night......Carolina on my mind.

Burrrr

2010-01-02T13:46:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

Today Mr. Johnson and Eagle (aka Jake)

installed invisible dog fence with the help of a trencher.

1-0-0-0 feet of electric wire to be buried in frozen ground.

For this dog named Bruce

Which is a huge act of love on the part of the men in the Johnson Family seeing as the high today didn't break freezing.

Simi slept through it with her favorite mammal, Big Ol' Fat Stinky Face Machers. Lucky girl.

I'm not sure why she wanted to fall asleep with her coat on.....

Criticism

2010-01-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time:

A story of a man whose grandson rode a donkey while they were traveling from one city to another. The man heard some people say, "Would you look at that man suffering on his feet while that strong young boy is totally capable of walking?"

So then the man rode the donkey while the boy walked. And he heard some people say, "Would you look at that, a healthy man making the poor young boy suffer. Can you believe it?"

So the man and the boy both rode the donkey, and they heard some people say, "Would you look at those heavy brutes making the poor donkey suffer?" So they both got off and walked, until they heard some people say, "Would you look at the waste - a perfectly good donkey not being used."

In the final scene, the boy is walking and the man is carry the donkey.

Moral of the story? No matter what we do, someone can always find a reason to criticize.

Becoming a stronger leader

2009-12-30T09:10:00.000-08:00

There was a man in the locker room of my local YMCA two days ago while I was changing clothes after my workout. That wasn't as alarming as my reaction to the mistaken intruder. For 4 full minutes I contemplated if I should inform him that he has inadvertently picked the wrong locker room. I was afraid that I would embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable.

Totally absurd, I know.

The fact is I've become soft. I don't like being the outspoken, assertive woman. I am far too comfortable in my role of submissive, compassionate, and humble woman (a nice way of saying I avoid ALL confrontation). As Mr. Johnson informs me; I haven't always been this way. In my past life I was aggressive, loud mouthed, and dominating. There was never a problem with me speaking my mind. Unfortunately, 'speaking my mind' happened far too often and got into heaps of trouble. Thankfully, I learned from my past indisgressions but I have erred on the other extreme: avoidance.

I avoid difficult conversations, I let my boarders take advantage of me, I am far too quick to take blame for something that isn't my fault just to make peace.

The problem is I can't find the appropriate relationship boundaries.

Instead of confront the boundary crosser I make excuses:
1. Maybe they were having a bad day
2. Possibly, this person needed to vent and now that they did everything will be good again
3. I need to be humble and keep a quite spirit
4. Just give it time...it will blow over
5. Jesus would just listen and address their concerns with a humble quite spirit
6. I want to please people so that I can continue to work so that our finances aren't a problem. After all my hubby works under extremely demanding pressure and he doesn't complain.
7. There is probably something wrong with me because I feel this way

Over time these excuses have burdened me. And here's what's happened:
1. I stay in my house and discourage my children from playing outside because I don't want to talk or see a boarder. (Avoidance)
2. I've had a habitual eye twitch for 3 weeks. Every time I think about these problem relationships my eye spasms. (internalizing)
3. I am afraid to make decisions because I might rock the boat and upset others. (depression)

Not good, my friends, not good. It ends today.

Here's the truth:
1. Jesus got ticked as heck sometimes.
2. I LIVE at my house....these boarders don't. They can go, I can't.
3. Letting people dump on me isn't okay.
4. Just because someone has a strong opinion on a topic doesn't make him/her right.
5. Honesty is essential

I did finally tell the man in the locker room to scoot....but ever so politely and cautiously. I can do the same today with the other people in my life who need a slice of Elizabeth's Reality. Argh, I've already got a knot in my stomach.

Gift

2009-12-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

Call me scrooge. I don't care for Christmas, snow makes me crabby, and commercialization of Christmas irritates me and then there's the problem with finding a gift for all the people one cares for.... not my idea of fun.

It's during this time of year I beg Mr. Johnson to take me a-n-y-w-h-e-r-e as long as the location is somewhat south of our current longitude. I'm not picky. I'm equally contented with the Caribbean, Mexico, Charleston S.C. or Dallas (to see my sister in law).

Thank you Dave Ramsey....not affectionately called Damn-Ramsey ......The Johnson's will be in stinking cold NC all winter this year.

Things changed last night. It had been snowing and sleeting all day. Our horses were packed in their barn until the storm passed without much wiggle room. I mentioned to by doting husband late in the evening that I'd like to do a barn renovation at some undetermined time in the future to increase the size of usable area in the barn. Without thinking twice Mr. Johnson jumped up and said "I'd love to do that with you." Which isn't an uncommon response from the man. In fact he's the most accommodating, relaxed, helpful, and patent man on the earth, just like the original Mr. Johnson was. I count myself the luckiest married woman.

Mr. Johnson, on the coldest night of the year in the pitch black; swung a sledgehammer, sawed through stall posts, and demolished plywood for hours. To create a new barn for me. We reminisced, all the while, about how my husband and his father had installed every nail, hung every gate, and hand sawed every piece of lumber for this horse barn while I was pregnant with Simi. It was a huge gift. They were allowing me to run a business all by myself for the first time in my life. It was a huge gift of trust. They believed in me and invested in me.

While we took apart the first gift making a new gift I realized how much I love being here at Christmastime. I love that it was heavily snowing and blowing all around the barn as we worked and laughed together. And my gift of a new barn....it love it. Thank you Mr. Johnson it's perfect.

(my computer or blogger.com won't let me download a pic now. I'll post one later of the beautiful new barn made in the dead of one bitterly cold winter night :)

Stop Negotiating With Terrorists

2009-12-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

Tolerance comes in all forms. Religious, moral, intellectual, professional.....but in my experience the most challenging for me to practice is Other-Peoples'-Children Tolerance.

***Disclaimer*** I have many, many friends who have wonderful well socialized children who are a joy to be around. In fact I even occasionally become envious of the beautifully mannered children of some friends. If you are reading this and questioning if this post is directed towards you, IT'S NOT. I adore you, your children, and extended family. The situation I am referencing here isn't you or any one you know. Heck, I don't even know them beyond a casual acquaintance and don't care to become more acquainted.

That said, some children can make me want to curl in the fetal position and rock myself to sleep while thinking of my 'happy place' (Grand Cayman Islands January 2007 if you were wondering). Yesterday was one of those torturous moments.

I knew it wasn't going to be a joy when I announced to my spawn that this particular family was coming over. "Mom, why didn't you ask me? Cause I would have told you that I hate those kids" Jake informed me. In the background I could sense Simi was in some sort of gastrointestinal distress at the news of the imminent arrival of our new playmates. "AGGGGhhhh, mom, NOBODY likes those kids, they are so terrible" Simi wailed as she rolled on the trampoline clutching her stomach.

Oooops, I just figured it would be a good thing seeing my kids wake every morning with ultimate bed head, sleep in their eyes asking, "Where are we going and who are we going to play with today?" It's a lot of pressure for a mom to come up with fun and exciting new events and play dates each day. I'm a cruise director for my children's intense desire to socialize. Apparently, I was under the false impression that any play date would suffice to meet the social need. Not so.

"Well", I say, "No prob Bob, it's gonna be great. We'll play on the trampoline, go for a nature hike and maybe have a snack then they'll be out of your hair" trying to make the best of what looks like an unfortunate situation.

As soon as their car pulls into the driveway Jake has to "go to the bathroom NOW" and Simi feels the need to find her cat "Mackers.....I think he's hungry, I'll be back." "Really, can't you both just wait 30 second to say hello?" I ask......to no one as I stand there all alone realizing J and Sims are surprisingly talented at short distance running.

I approach the minivan to greet the guests as the minivan door slides open I hear, "MOM!!!! I want to go into Simi's room and play with all her toys and then go for a horseback ride on that horse right there" twin #2 says loud enough to make an 95 year old man turn down his hearing aid. After and awkward pause I realize the mom isn't going snap her children back to reality and some form of socially accepted behavior.....she's leaving that detail for me.

"Well sweets, as much as I love to indulge demanding, selfish, screaming children, I don't own that horse, therefore you may not ride it. How about we play outside in the trampoline instead. It's a beautiful day." I reply sounding as diplomatic as possible.

"NO, that won't do." Twin #2 sobs throwing herself to the ground inconsolable.

The Mom chimes in, "Oh sweetheart, why don't you ask Mrs. Elizabeth in your most pleasing voice." No response from twin #2 other than earsplitting screams.

Mom explains to me that she's "really been emphasizing vocabulary and so proud of the progress her 'angles' have made."

Hummm, yeah, I was just noticing that. Good job. Now see what you can do about the Satan you've got growing in them.

Silence eventually takes over twin #2. I wrongly assume she's passed out. Nope she's up and swinging for round 2. "MOMMY I want to eat NOW."

"Okay darling, ask Mrs. Elizabeth if she'll make you a snack." Mom replies looking hopefully in my direction.

Wait, I think I miss heard. Did she really presume that I want to feed her clan of ingrates? Yep, from the prolonged stare and lingering silence I assume she's not kidding and I am expected to go into the house and find something for her and her 3 ankle bitters to eat. What do demons eat?

Thankfully, the mom is distracted by the sight of her son on the trampoline jumping 16 feet into the air and landing squarely on twin #1 then giving her the old heave-ho off the trampoline. While mom is checking for compound fractures on twin #1 while gently yet softly coaxing her son for an answer on why he thought that trampoline move was a swell idea, I notice my kids are no where to be seen. In fact, I don't recall seeing them in the past 35 minutes since our guests arrived.

I duck into the house....no sound. I peer in the barn....Nada. I look around the yard....zip. I check the house again. There I find them upstairs barricaded with a bowl of popcorn watching Home Alone the movie in Simi's room under a mountain of pillows and blankets with all the light turned off.

"Whatcha doing?" I ask. "Ahh, not much just getting ideas from this movie on how to handle the people YOU invited over. Are they gone yet?" Jake asks.

"Not exactly, why don't you come downstairs and play with them on the swing set" I plead. "I don't think so mom. What's wrong? You can't handle the 'crazies' by yourself, huh?"

Crud, he's got me. I can't handle them. They are driving me over the edge. I've never learned how to tell some to leave my property nicely.....I'm in a pinch.

In the end I realize my kids are being much more honest than I so I leave them be upstairs with their popcorn and really good movie fantasising about how good it would feel to put a hurtin' on these guests.

When I make it back outside I think about apologizing for my kids behaviour...mainly not being seen since their arrival. But I think better of it. Thankfully, I see the mom bargaining with her kids to get into the car so they can make it to their piano lesson on time. From what I heard the kids get to go directly to Chick-fil-A and then to Target to pick out a special toy if they'll get into the car.

For a moment I wonder if I should intervene. Should I tell this mom to Stop Negotiating With Terrorists? (Which by the way is going to the the title of a book I write in the future) I almost offer to take her kids off her hands for the weekend with the promise of new kids by Monday. But no I think their mom is having fun with them, I wave joyously as they pull our of my driveway knowing that I won't ever make this mistake again. I WILL ALWAYS ASK MY CHIDREN WHO TO HAVE OVER FOR A PLAYDATE. Children are after all, the best judge of character.

OCD

2009-12-16T05:51:00.000-08:00

As Ben's aunt Wanita said to me at the last family reunion "I've got a touch of the_____________" (you can fill in the blank with any physical ailment). Last night I realized I've got a touch of the OCD.

Surely there were warning signs along the way. For instance, the way I make my bed (it's a rigorous process) or the 'proper' way to fold towels (1/2 lengthwise, 1/2 again, then in thirds) but Mr. Johnson is much too loving and tolerant to tell me I'm a crazy person. Last night down on my hands and knees at 10:00 in between commercial breaks I am scrubbing the floor with a bleach solution. Why? you ask. Did Bruce vomit up animal excrement? Kids running though with soiled shoes? Had it been 3 weeks since I washed the floor? No.
No.
and
No....only 1 day.

We had people over for dinner. Yes, it's quite shocking.

It's not the people that get me, it's more of a quota thing. You see, my mind must have a mental counter every time the door opens and shuts. Once a certain number of door opening triggers an intense need to locate bleach, Mrs. Myers geranium scented cleanser (it makes me feel better about using bleach) and a rag to do an through washing.

In my nightmares I dream of dirty socks from unwashed floors, crumbs on the floor, and dog hair. (I'm not being funny....it's really quite true) I won't shock you with the number of times I vacuum a day.... hint: the vacuum never gets put away.

When do I know I should seek medical assistance because the OCD has gone too far? When I don't want to have people over for dinner any longer....

I have a few good months left....tops.

Follow up

2009-12-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

In light of my last post check out this website: here

This post started out a little differently.....

2009-12-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

I'm in a snit. Not because of a huge injustice inflicted upon me or I feel moved by the terrible suffering in the world (although I do feel those emotions too, just not right now). It's because of cheese.

I had the joy of going to a year end Christmas party today. 300 women contributed to the brunch, surely there would be at least 5 different entrees to suit every one's taste buds and dietary restrictions. Not so, you would have thought we live in Wisconsin as much cheese was mounded into every casserole, salad, bread, and dessert. There were dishes that weren't improved by the addition of cheese yet still had cheese smothered upon the plate.

No doubt I would feel less intense hatred of the cheeses if I could consume cheese without symptoms. But since symptoms abound, I've looked high and low for recipes, Yahoo Groups, cheese replacement websites, magazines (Vegan Times) to survive in a dairy entrenched society. While participating in this subculture I've been educated and here's just a sampling of what I've learned:

1. Yes, cheese is addictive because it contains opiates.Go here to read the full article
2. Well meaning people often question me about my dairy abstinence claiming I get 'no calcium in my diet. Aren't you concerned about osteoporosis?" My response: I sure would be concerned if I were consuming dairy.Click here to educate yourself
3. Dairy cows lead the most difficult lives and die horrible, torturing deaths.
Click here to know how your milk, cheese, sour cream, cream cheese, and yogurt gets to you
While I'm on the subject of foodstuffs I'll add in these tidbits:

1. A pound of beef costs $35 to produce but costs $2.50 in the supermarket. A conservative water per pound estimate of 250 gallons. Ask your government why. I won't go into the way these cows live and are slaughtered because this is a kid friendly forum....but be responsible and educate yourself. Beware! clicking on this link is gruesome and hard to watch....but then again slaughter and mistreatment of animals is never neat and nice. Even if you are an entrenched meat eater watch the video and be educated...know what you eat.

2. I've got several friends who are jumping on the discount grocery shopping bandwagon and while most of their finds are news worthy and enviable I do have one bone to pick. Eggs. Consider the lives and treatment of laying hens knowing they will never see a ray of sunshine, forge like God intended, smell fresh air, stretch their wings, or have their feet touch a blade green grass but yet experiencing their beaks sheared from their faces with a smoldering hot knife as a chick. They'll be lucky if they live a year. I'm not willing to save 67 cents at the expense of another living creature. Buy free range organic eggs, at least those hens will have a marginally better life or better yet get your own chickens. Learn how to raise your own here.

I believe that we as humans were given a responsibility by God to care for the planet we were given Go here and read what the Bible says about creation. Don't let ignorance be your excuse. Factory farming is not a humane, intelligent,or a responsible institution. Need I remind you where Swine Flu was born?swine flu

All that from a luncheon....

A few of my favorite things

2009-12-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

Mr. Johnson hasn't asked me what I want for Christmas ( my dad has :) but I am anticipating he will. Here's some hints fellows:

1. Laura's Wholesome Junk Food. Tickle my taste buds, I ADORE these snacks. Seeing as milk products have a death wish out for my intestinal track and a hankering to destroy my complexion; it's almost impossible to find a pre-made bakery item that doesn't include dairy. Hallelujah, these are the best thing. Go here to check them out or order cookies.

2. Harney Tea. My friend Shannon introduced me to this tea and now I am an addict. Try Hot Cinnamon Spice ...it's my favorite. Check it out here

3. Mellow Mushroom Restaurant. Holy yummy and ultra healthy. In a perfect world I'd open up a restaurant. But lucky for me there are 5 in Charlotte. Go here and find one near you. Try the Tempeh or Avocado hoagie and the hummus is seriously out of this world.

4. Amanda's Own Confections is the best chocolate in the entire universe. No dairy, no gluten, no tree nut, no peanut, an no egg. Pure wonderful chocolate. FYI try the chocolate chip banana muffin recipe on their website. Ohh la la.

5. Smart Wool Socks. Ahh the colors, the softness, the warmth....I even wear them in the summer, I love them that much. You can buy them at SmartWool's homepage but you can find them everywhere. Apparently, I'm not the only one who loves them.

Talk to me

2009-12-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

Just a heads up....I am allowing comments on my blog. Feel free to say "hi" :)

To leave a comment look at the bottom of each post (not the bottom of the page). There is a small blue writing beside the date/time stamp that says "comments" click on it and leave me a message.

xo,
E

How do you like them apples?

2009-12-04T14:57:00.000-08:00

I'm full....I've had my fair share of humble pie and I'm about ready to yak because I am so full.

Let me set the scene:
Myself and a person, who shall remain nameless (No, it's not Mr. Johnson or a member of my family), had a minor run in. I was overly confident in my side of the argument and felt very justified with my pithy, arrogant point of view. Apparently, my personality knows no natural humbleness or grace or tact or cooperation.

I let my inner piranha out ready to pick a fight.

Judging from the response I received back I quickly observed that I was over my head in hot water. It's not that I was clearly wrong but my style of attack didn't have the intended reaction I was looking for, mainly, intimidation leading directly into complete submission. No, what I did was rattle the cage of a beast with 14 inch fangs, rabid eyes and long wavy hair to whom it never occurred to be afraid of me.

oops....I need a new plan.

Now deep in the middle of a possible relationship nuclear war I decide I'd like to reevaluate my attitude. I know my mouth gets me into trouble far more often than should be legal. I decided to shut my face.

Funny thing, after, get this, I LISTEN I find out we were approaching the same problem with very similar solution. I just hadn't realized it because it's hard to hear the calm of a babbling brook (other person) over the roar of a steam engine (that would be me).

So here's what I learned...you probably already know this because you are far more mature than I:

1. Shut my face (no interrupting, no rolling eyes, no picking my nose, no texting while resolving conflict)
2. Listen without trying to form a defense ( "Oh yeah? Well you're ugly")
3. Make an effort to find what we have in common
4. Pick one thing at a time to resolve
5. Don't make it personal (NO name calling, 'your momma jokes', or attacking ones hair styling preferences)
6. This really should be the number one rule.....DO NOT go looking for a fight. Sounds obvious enough but I tend to do it more frequently than I will admit.

Good News:
Nuclear Winter was avoided and a relationship remains intact. But becoming a more humble person has wounded my pride, which needed to be taken down a notch or two or ten. I so badly wanted to tell the person with whom I was in disagreement what was wrong with his/her thinking in a superior, condescending voice but I realized today it's more important to respect the person than be 'right'.

bummer.

I'm going to lick my wounds and play Wii Resort with my kids and try not to feel sorry for myself and shut my mouth. Now's a good time to call and chat....I'll let you do all the talking :)

How much do I love today?

2009-12-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

1. Bruce and I played hide-and-seek for 2 hours this morning. Bruce was the only one having fun. He hid a $250 nutritional supplement for a horse that we board underneath the outdoor trash can. Sneaky little bugger.

Don't let the innocent face fool you...he's a mastermind of deception.

2. Someone described themselves to me as a "SUPPERIOR DELEGATOR" during a phone conversation this afternoon. I wasn't aware that "superior delegator" is the politically correct term for BOSSY. I also discovered that I don't respond favorably to being old what to do. What happens when little miss bossy meets little miss stubborn....

(that would be me)

3. My husband's plan for world domination via the grading business isn't working out as planned. But he does have a great sense of humor about it.

4. During prayer time at a home school group we attend I saw Simi (the only one with her eyes open during prayer) attack an unsuspecting boy 4 years her senior with the "word of God" while he was praying. Dern it...why are my children the only ones to act like heathens in public?

I can see the potential for crazy in the eyes, can't you?

5. I signed up to do all the administrative work for Jake's Wolf den. I would have said 'no' but a man in uniform asked me. I am helpless to make rational decisions in the presence of a uniform...even a scouting uniform.

Black Friday fun

2009-11-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

Here's how I like to spend my Black Friday fun:
1. Watching Mr. Johnson eat 2 fried bologna sandwiches, fried apple pie, Amish cookies, homemade ice cream (FYI it was 47 degrees today), and Amish pumpkin rolls. There is a reason I'm vegan...this sandwich is the reason. belch...

2. Walking in a sea of people all of whom were at least: 1 item of camouflage, 2 items of Carthart, and Wrangler jeans tucked into cowboy boots. I felt grossly out of place in a turtleneck and jacket wearing non-wrangler jeans.-I'll know better next year.

3. Seeing the biggest horse of my life (a ginormous Belgian) that I seriously considered taking home. His hoofs were the size of a dinner platter.

(he looked a lot like this)

4. People will try to sell anything. I can't even begin to describe the diversity of today's event. From mannequin scarecrows to rusted out water heaters to homemade chicken coops. It's the kind of place that supplies Cracker Barrel restaurants with their interior decor.

I think I saw those exact snowshoes for sale today.

5. Lusting after a horse buggy and parade harnesses. It really is my calling....I did make a deal to try out a draft named "penny", buggy and gear so I can learn to drive.

this will be me someday....my new 'grocery getter'

Where can you do all this a more? At the Dixie Horse and Carriage Auction. Tomorrow is your last day until next year. If you are in the ville I highly suggest heading over. It's free entertainment.

2009-11-27T05:05:00.000-08:00

Turkey day surprises me. I love my family. Really love them and all the quirkiness that makes us...well us. Some of my most favorite memories from this year.

1. My aunt Gracia's contagious laugh. She worked and served others all day changing diapers, cleaning up bodily fluids, feeding and comforting the less fortunate (it's her job). She shows up to Thanksgiving 2 hours late with a smile on her face and a warm hug for all and dotes on my children by playing games and kissing them with pure love (Jake and Simi won't take that from anyone else :). I can't think of a more giving person.

2. My aunt Janelle's spunk. Good gracious is this woman a spit fire. She's got something to say about anything but what I saw most was a woman devoted and respectful to her sometimes high need hubby. She made everyone watch Home Alone because that's what my Jake wanted. And the woman loves her family like no other.

3. My grandmother's knowledge. The woman could talk to you about anything....I mean ANYTHING. She's beyond well read, well traveled and well spoken. But the cool thing is she cares more about the things you are interested in and chooses to talk about those things.

4. My second cousin Sean has served his country, travels the world and has read every book (even those currently out of print). He's been everywhere including most recently Europe for 2 months...just got back. Hiked every mountain, been down every trail, and never met a stranger. My I also mention he's a puzzle wizard.

My family is unselfish, engaging, loyal, crazy intellegent, accepting, and hysterical. I am a blessed woman.

Bye-bye

2009-11-23T10:19:00.000-08:00

Weeks ago (read *more than several months*) I was cleaning out my over stuffed closet. My closet is our burial grounds for the family. It's full of anything and everything that we won't ever use but yet are too lazy to take to goodwill or a consignment store. I've got cast iron pots, an old cannery, wrapping paper from 3 years ago, a tent, climbing harness, car seats that have been out grown and a spare tire to name a few. Needing some hanging space for pants I decided that some of these things have to go. First on the check list: car seats.

Lots of women hold onto small mementos to remember the early years of their children's lives like first shoes, clothing, stuffed animals and the like. I, however, am partial to car seats. It's the item they spent the most time in outside of my arms. The seats were unexpectedly hard for me to part with. They spent more than a month hanging out by the front door. My rational was "I eventually get sick of cleaning around them and haul them out the door". That time never came. I just couldn't do it. I'd say to myself "well, maybe I'll need them in the future" or "what happens if I babysit and need an extra car seat?" So they sat...

and sat.....

and sat....

as a silent shrine that I wasn't yet ready to part with. All the while we had dinner guests, friends, church youth groups, business clients, family etc. who had to step over and around the car seat shrine. No one ever said anything about them. It was a bit odd after all; 5 car seats and I have 2 children.

Today I was brave, I let my rational side take control over my emotions and drive me to the nearest children's consignment store with car seats in tow to make some quick cash and create more space in the dinning room/entryway area.

As I am standing in line with 200lbs of car seats a woman behind me tells me that she gained sole custody of her infant granddaughter that very morning and needs a car seat in order to pick her up. She's beaming with pride, joy, expectancy and love at the new addition to her family. She tells me "it's the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for." I know what she means. My eyes well up with tears because I've been there and now I'm not.

I install the car seat into the back of her mini-van while she chats excitedly about upcoming holiday plans with her new daughter, husband and extended family. I just nod keeping my face focused on the task at hand to choke down the tears until I can make it to the security of my own car. I say good bye and watch her drive off to bring home the new love of her life.

I've never been good at saying goodbye but this time was especially difficult.

(my make-up)

The backseat of my car is terribly lonely now. Long gone are the days of buckling an infant or assisting with a lap belt. But I'll always remember what is used to be:

This green car seat is now cradling a brand-new baby for another family.

I'm ready for my close-up

2009-11-21T05:11:00.000-08:00

Jake's famous. He made it in the local paper (right along with his sister, although he doesn't like acknowledging that part).

That's the back of his mohawk and his sister's blond head right next to him.

He is rather miffed the photographer didn't "get my best side, you know, my stinking cute good looks. And, I can't believe I didn't spike and dye my hawk hot pink for the photo shoot."

hoof-stomping good times

2009-11-19T05:54:00.000-08:00

The horses had a party in the barn last night. A real boot-stomping, pig-hollering good time. I know this because there was poo everywhere....even on the ceiling. I felt like a maid cleaning up after a frat party. Instead of beer cans I get to scoop, clean, mop, and sweep up poo. I was miffed but out of the corner of my eye I could see Bruce, the lover of all things gross and disgusting, licking his chops with a sly smile on his mug.

"What the hay" I say as I step into 4 inches of muck. I know exactly what went on. These pampered horses stayed in the barn all day and night while it rained 24 hours solid. All the while they stuffed their fat faces with quality ( read *crazy expensive*) orchard grass hay. Of course they couldn't risk getting a single drop of rain on their perfectly glossy coats so they relieved themselves in the barn.

Side note:
*If you aren't around horses on a daily basis, they poop about 30lbs a day. Multiply that by 6 horses that are in this pasture. That means a conservative estimate of my scooping this morning was in the 180 lb range.*

I would have been slightly peeved spending a ton of extra time playing room service to 6 ungrateful animals but my dad, who happened to read my post yesterday, brought over money so I could buy the shoes of my dreams. (Isn't he the best?) So while attending to the mess and periodically screaming at Bruce to spit whatever he had in his mouth out, I was daydreaming about the shoes that will be on my front step in 2-5 days.....

And to even the score I dewormed all the horses. I save this little chore for when they really tick me off. (De-worming has to be done every month. Surprise! They usually can manage to tick me off sometime during the scheduled week of deworming)There is something cathartic about forcing 92 milligrams of fenbendazole down the gullet of an unwilling horse.

We're even

Stone Mountain Hike

2009-11-18T06:15:00.000-08:00

I love going hiking. Love, love, love it. It's even better to go with some of my most favorite people.

Don't we look like the Duggar's?

The Duggar Family (no relation)

Crazy kids who follow us around.

scouts

2009-11-18T06:04:00.000-08:00

Yes! His first badge.

The day after this pic was taken I received this photo from the Scout Master.....I'm not totally sure what he is inferring.

I think I'd look smokin' hot in the outfit to the far right. Those are nice pumps she's got on.

Shoes

2009-11-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

I want to drop kick my dog. And I would if I did love the little bugger so stinking much and if he didn't have the cutest face ever, and if we didn't get along really, really well. (And by that I mean he loves me more than any other human on the planet).
But......

My goodness was this necessary?

This is only one example of the damage he's done to our shoes. However, this example is the most damaging to my psyche. You see, I have no girlie shoes nothing with a heel. NONE. All Dansko clogs and flip flops. I've joked in the past that if someone who didn't know me and only had my closet to judge me by, they'd conclude I was a lesbian.

These are the shoes I REALLY want but won't buy because I love the peace that resides in our home when the budget isn't blown.

They are $77 at Zappos.com (Steve Madden Astro's) and I wear a size 8.

because I said so

2009-11-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a symbol can summarize ever detail of my emotional state. Today's symbol, not that it will mean anything to you, but heck, this is my blog so I can put random things on it; is a Ford Excursion......red.

2009-11-10T14:00:00.000-08:00

AHHHH, the Internet ate my below post. It was pure writing genius and now lost forever.....sorry for the inconvenience.

2009-11-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

The commercials are true...HULU.com will rot your brain. I find it completely fascinating that I can watch a program that aired 5 minutes ago on television online with no commercials. How addictive is that?

Bruce, our precious yellow lab/corgi mix, has become Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. With me, Bruce is perfect, the picture of submission and love. When Eagle and Simi play with Bruce without me in the room some child comes crying confessing the latest attack. Biting, nipping, growling, stealing toys and clothing, chewing Lego's (GASPPPPPP!!!!) and the like. How do you solve a problem like Bruce? (We should have named him Maria)

Enter HULU.com. I can watch Cesar Millan the Dog Whisperer until I loose feeling in my butt and I go cross-eyed. I did.

The A-B-C's of me

2009-11-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

Mr. Johnson and I were chatting on the way to a horse show this morning. Which, by the way, is the only extended period of time that we've occupied the same 4 square feet without company in the past 7 days. It's like the good old dating days.....ahhhh.
We were chatting about relationships that morphed into upcoming family holidays. Treacherous waters here. The conversation turned to plans, houses, menus and people who happen to be in our extended family who let's be honest, we only see once a year for a reason.

Why, oh stinking why, are relationships so difficult to navigate? Why the games? Why the silent treatment? Why the UN-authenticity? Why the unreturned emails, phone calls and texts? Why the passive aggressive nature? I'm not calling out my family I'm including ALL relationships.

Then I got to thinking about me. Do I do the same immature treatment to others? I'd like to think not but the harsh truth is probably. It's just sometimes hard to see my own junk and I am convinced if you were honest, you'd say the same.

My mom always says "the first time someone ticks you off deal with it then.....and only then." Good advice and I wished I used it. Instead I let the infraction cause emotional and physical distance and in the end I dump the relationship. That's not fair. It's not fair to the other half, they have a right to know what they did hurt me and get a chance to apologize.

There is a great quote in a book entitled "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge "Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it." I like that.

But I also saw a bumper sticker this morning:

I like that too.

Humor

2009-11-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

Monday morning is my time. Usually.

Today sipping my soy green tea latte in Starbucks minding my own business on the brink of total spiritual enlightenment (hahahahaha) but really enjoying my book nonetheless; 2 men ask to join me.

I just nod without looking up. Out of the corner of my eye I see that they haven't changed out of their Halloween costumes. Apparently, they went as Creepy Seductive Italian Men. Greased back, curly chin length black hair, tight black metro-sexual T-shirts, $200 7-for-all-mankind jeans, Italian leather loafers, and 4 day stubble.

Arg, I could tell they were the friendly sort, trying to make eye contact and making louder than normal conversation so I would be drawn in. Ugh, men

I tried my best to display anti-social behavior; hair in face, nose in book, arms crossed but still flashing the wedding band on my third finger, sour expression and feet folded in. No good - these mannerisms are interpreted as 'please talk to me' in Europe.

"Hey young lady, what are you reading?" The Italian Stallion begs me to answer

Pretending not to hear and lost deep, deep in thought he calls me out again. This time leaning forward flashing his new veneers.

"I'm reading a book about waiting, it's really boring, I don't think you'd be interested." I respond hoping the conversation would come to a screeching halt.

"Oh, I see, my darling. And what year are you at the university?" he's obviously skilled at picking-up the over 30 woman.

"I'm a freshman....I really need to finish reading before my class." Please, Lord make him spontaneously combust, get a phone call, or get arrested by the cop picking up his skinny cinnamon latte; I plead within.

"Yes, of course. I like a woman bettering herself." he says as he butts out of my life for the moment to answer his phone. Interestingly, the ring tone was a Tango tune.

For the next 15 minutes the Italian Stallion and his wing man with a neck tattoo banter back and forth about:
1. buying property in papya new guinea (I doubt either of them could find it on a map)
2. private schools (I couldn't tell for whom)
3. vacationing in Cabo and a spontaneous trip to The Epcot Center in Florida (ohhh, I hate I missed out on that one)
4. discuss the prowess of Juan Pablo Montoya who is a close personal friend
5. The weather in Mooresville for the next month

Admitting to himself that he is batting .000000 on this one (me) he offers to go have a smoke with the wingman in the parking lot. Relieved but highly amused I watched them cross the parking lot to their Grand Am with local tags to retrieve their cigs. After lighting up they trot across the road to G'ss Lounge; the only bar open at 10:00am.

Thank you Lord for allowing me humor.

Laugh with me

2009-10-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

This post is not a whine fest I'm merely stating the facts.

6:30am
I checked my Facebook page, which is never a good idea for me. I'm probably one of ten people on the planet who don't like Facebook. After I log on and see all the great things others are doing, who hasn't gained any weight since 10th grade, and who has the exotic life in Australia I've always wanted; I feel slightly less satisfied with my life. As the old Chinese proverb states: "Those who compare themselves with others on Facebook will become vain or bitter" totally applies to my life. In an effort to be to content I say "NO" to Facebook.

This morning an old childhood best friend 'friend-ed' me on Facebook and I had to check out her page. She's super model beautiful, skinny, in love, lives where I've always wanted and has 2 strikingly cute kids who've probably never whinned, fought, or complained about eating broccoli.

7:30
Kids wake up from coughing fit. Eagle says ' I almost coughed up my small intestine last night' and proceeds to fill 14 Kleenex's with snot. "Good morning to you too sweet heart." I say. Great, now we have to stay home from Community Bible Study and home-school activities due to their stringent "don't come to CBS if you've had a runny nose in the past 4 months" rule.

8:00
Home-school amnesia. My children forget everything they've ever learned since their conception. My son who taught himself his multiplication facts 'just because it's fun' suddenly forgets how to subtract. Darling Simi once a regular wordsmith took 2 hours to finish her English assignments.

11:01
It is raining with no hope of clear skies until April.

11:30
Talk to Mr. Johnson's office manager. She went to Hallelujah Acres for a seriously intense seminar on health and diet this weekend. I mention I am interested in finding a Pumpkin Pie recipe without milk in it - lucky for me she has one. Here it is:

Raw Pumpkin Pie *
1 1/2-2 Cups Raw pumpkin
1 Cup Almonds
1/2 Cup coconut

2-4 Tablespoons fresh lemon or orange juice

2 Tablespoons Raw, unfiltered honey
1/2 Cup Organic raisins, soaked
1/2 teaspoon Ginger

1 teaspoon Cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon Nutmeg

In a blender combine the pumpkin, almonds, juice, and honey. Add coconut, raisins, and spices. If too thin, add more almonds. The pie will firm up some when chilled, but the consistency should be that of pancake batter.

Pour pie into pie crust found on page 273 in God’s Way to Ultimate Health, under the Strawberry Pie recipe. Cover & chill overnight.

If you read the recipe it won't surprise you that it's the nastiest thing I've put in my mouth since my mom's PEP-UP breakfast smoothies and organ meats kick of the late 80's. I credit this period of my life for my vegetarianism. Anyway, I'm saving the disastrous pumpkin pie result to give to a friend as a 'gift'. Whose the lucky girl?

12:00

Our cat, Shmeeve, took a gigantic poo in a potted plant in the living room. Bruce, the dog, who has a future in waste management, EATS it. I can't even comment on how frazzled I am about this incident.

1:00
My phone broke 2 days ago...I haven't repaired it. That would require going to the store to have a pimple faced high school freshman tell me that he isn't sure how to fix it maybe I should call customer service. Great idea, Alexander Graham Bell, if my phone worked in any meaningful way that would be my first plan of attack.

Since May 15, 2004 - until present

I have one line on a pregnancy test

Don't feel sorry for me...laugh with me. We all have days when nothing goes as we'd wish and moving to Cambodia feels like a nice change of pace.
Read this book.....: The Heart That Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.

Friday Free-day

2009-10-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Hiking Crowders Mountain

The Participants

3 kids

1 dog nicknamed 'killer' for the afternoon

The Chaperone's

I was happy in this photo I just hadn't let my face know.

We reached the summit in 2 hours dined on our PB&J's then dashed as the down pour of the century came. We didn't get a shot of the summit for all the rain but it was beautiful, take my word for it.

Don't feel to sorry for this little chap hugging the wooden sign. She had just pushed her brother off a 6 foot boulder and was downcast because her reward for unruly behavior was holding mommy's hand the whole way down the mountain....2 whole hours of pure torture for a 5 year old.

Finally done, Praise the Lord. Jake also known as "mountain goat" ran the whole 7 miles to the summit and back, climbed every boulder in a 40 foot radius of the marked trail and reached the summit 10 minutes before everyone else which involved 200 vertical stairs at the end. When we got to the top we found Eagle sitting on the edge of a sheer 150 foot cliff waiting for the rest of the party to show. My little Sherpa...he'll climb Everest someday.

Sermon Notes

2009-10-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

This afternoon's blog post is brought to you by boring sermons.

Sometimes I think God allows a sermon to bore me to tears so I can get an hour of quiet reflection time. So thank you monotones of the world, God has worked through you to make me a more Christ-like person. Here's what God has shown me today. They won't come as a shock to you who have read more than two of my blog posts.

Elizabeth Johnson's Character flaws
Arrogance - I don't do humbleness or meekness with any tact. In fact I down right stink at these qualities. I can fake humbleness for about 20 minutes then fall miserably short by blabbing all about me. As my momma says: "Enough about me, what do you think of me?" But that's not the worst of it...the truth is I think I deserve more blessings because I am a more godly person....yikes, I'm on dangerous ground.

Respectfulness and trust - If God's timing or plan happen to be at odds with my plan or timing there's gonna be a tussle. If I had more faith and trust I could sit back, relax and let God's good times roll. But, as it is I prefer to panic, mouth off and freak out. Such a beautiful picture of submission, huh?

Demanding - I want what I want when I want it .......NOW. I haven't grown in this area since toddler hood as you can see. I have 27 years of catch up to do.

Patience - Real patience: the sort of long suffering that perseveres without end and yet keeps the faith. A peacefulness that it is well with one's soul even when the circumstances are dismal- I don't do that. I can have patience when there is an end in sight but that's not authentic patience. My current variety of patience is short term and fairly useless.

Thankfulness and appreciation - Arch, thankfulness is a fine art. I am suspicious of truly thankful people. How can they experience real disappointment and act so cheery? Thankfulness, I've decided, is a learned emotion and I'm gonna learn it even if I grumble the whole way through.

Controlling - I like living under the illusion of control. It just makes me feel safer about living in a chaotic world. The problem comes when I can't fix the problem with my resources. It's excruciatingly hard for me to be still and accept those things that I can not change. Somebody cross stitch me the Serenity Prayer already.

Impulsive -My motto: Good idea, great plan, good word? share it IMMEDIATLY. Don't wait and pray, JUST DO IT. I don't need to tell you that this has gotten me in a pickle more than a time or two. I need to ditch the Nike motto as a way of life.

Entitlement - A new friend brought this to my attention a week ago. I was taken off guard and ready to defend my self-righteous ways to the death when she 'brought me the word'. However, I decided against a cage match and let her speak the truth in love to me. It's true I think I am worthy of every good and perfect thing. Entitlement with a twist of arrogance...makes a bitter cocktail.

So I am confessing I am a mess, a hot little mess and I'm okay with that because I know the one who started a good and perfect work in me will not rest until He sees his work though. Acceptance is the first step I'm told.

yippe skipee

2009-10-25T04:31:00.000-07:00

Good News ladies and gentlemen (although I believe the only gentleman reading this blog to be my husband and that viewing is spotty at best) I've been designated to design and host the annual Blue and Gold Banquet for Eagle's scout troop. It all went down like this.

Setting the Scene:
Mom, Dad and Simi-Loo dropping Eagle off at scouts 4 Monday's ago.
"Hurry up and leave so we can have some fun." My dear, precious 8 year old tells me

"No prob Bob, we'll be out of your hair in no time. Let me go over the ground rules with you again, don't set your den leader on fire, insult the other mommies, or use blow darts skills on any living thing. Got it kiddo?"

As we were leaving the building my thoughts of shopping at the near by mall, sipping a Soy Green Tea Latte with sugar-free vanilla syrup chatting with Mr. Johnson about the RV trip we say we'll take but never will next summer were filling my mind; the den leader snags me with my hand on the door.

"You know we have a no drop policy here."

"What? Then what will I do with myself for the next 2 1/2 hours?" I whine seeing that my green tea latte will have to wait until tomorrow.

"Are you good with scissors and tape?"

"I no longer inflict injury on myself using those items if that's what you mean."

"Great, your hired to plan, decorate, cook, prepare awards, and invite 230 people to the Blue and Gold Banquet you will throw in February."

"Oh, no I don't think so." pressing harder on the door with scared rabbit eyes darting to the hills to see where my help will come from. My own words surprise me seeing as usually I can't say no to a man in a uniform...especially khaki.

Then there they are: Sadie and Lucy. My saving graces. Sadie is an art major with excitement for all things Martha Stewart, never met a stranger and is quite possibly the only other person on the planet that gets my dark, sarcastic humor. Of course, I'm loving her. And, well Lucy just looks mean so I think she'll get the job done no matter the cost.....cutting child labor laws, cane beatings to increase productivity, and she uses the word "disobedient" in every sentence. Which for the record is my all time least favorite word, it just hurts my ears. I yearn for the day when my name and disobedient are used in the same sentence coming from her mouth. You'll wish you brought your video camera. Hello YouTube.com this is Elizabeth Johnson coming like a spider monkey at some poor lady.

Thankfully Sadie commits and Lucy with some stipulations. Lucy says as long as she doesn't have to use her computer to communicate, make any craft and under no circumstances crack a smile she's in. I am already planning a special recognition Mommy badge for her.

This Blue and Gold Banquet is my big break. I finally get to give recognition to those to whom it's due. I have visions of teary slide shows set to the music of Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings and possibly Whitney Houston's' I will Always Love You or something equally as sappy and annoying. But those are just my brainstorming ideas. I'm sure I'll think of something to fully exalt all the moms.

Of course I'll upload the final product on YouTube.....Mr. Johnson is hoping for one video but depending on the use of a verb coming from a certain person's mouth there may be two videos to upload.

creep

2009-10-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

A few months back I was pumping gas at a local establishment when a pickup pulled up opposite to me at the same pump. I didn't pay attention as my children were banging on the window glass singing some ridiculous tone deaf vacation bible school song. I was concerned that someone might mistake the off-key wailing and glass beating as a child abduction in process so I was intent on making my fill up brief to avoid an amber alert alarm.

The man in the truck tried to get my attention but I firmly enforce the personal NO-MAKING- NEW-FRIENDS-AT-THE-GAS-STATION-RULE. Bt, he was persistent so I peered around the pump to ask what the stink was so important. Then I saw it..... This was no normal 'hey, how are you' southern greeting this was a photo opportunity.

The man sheepishly and cautiously approached me wearing a wife beater and hot pink pleated cheer-leading skirt. I couldn't tell if I was being punked so I tried to keep my cool so I wouldn't look goofy on national television when Ashton Kutcher comes out behind the car wash.

Sadly, no Ashton, just a really creepy 30ish man with hairy thighs. He asked me if I would be willing to go into the store and pay cash for his gas as he didn't have a debit or credit card on him. I didn't ask questions because I didn't really want to know the story behind his get-up. I don't care if it was a prank, rush hazing, girlfriend abuse or some other less moral reason I don't want to know about. I paid for his gas and told him to 'shut up' when he offered his excuse. He told me I was beautiful and asked if I had a camera phone. I'm wishing I hadn't lied because I love to post his disgusting cross-dressing, exhibitionist self right here.

I haven't thought much of it until yesterday when my friend told me she met a hot pink skirt wearing man at the BP. The cross dresser has gotten a little more brazen but still he has the same outfit, truck and appearance. She was less than thrilled as she had 3 preschool children in the backseat who were watching the performance out the windows.

I'm a little excited that the cross dresser chose me for his first victim. I don't know what it was: the mom jeans, unwashed pony tailed hair, sweat pants, bleach stained T-shirt, or the screaming kids in the backseat but I am hot stuff to immature men of questionable motives.

Dontcha wish you were me?

Calling

2009-10-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

I've been informed by my child's soccer instructor that my rambunctious son has decided on a career path. I'm slightly annoyed that he hasn't fully accepted the future I've laid out for him. It involves a surf board, big waves and a surf sack on Waikiki. I need somewhere to vacation when I'm done parenting after all.

No, what Eagle has picked out for himself is far more selfless, realistic and adventurous. He of course doesn't know this but his current pursuit was my life's dream before I had him. If it wasn't my previous life's dream I'd be scared and discourage him from chasing his dreams. God has a funny way of opening doors for us.

Eagle has decided that mission work in rural South America suits him better than the beach shack. I have to say, only a homeschooler would pick such an original, helpful destination. I'm proud that when asked by an adult Eagle doesn't say "soccer player or movie star" he says "I want to help people build houses and grow food and play soccer with the kids that don't have as much as we do."

Wow, my child had a intelligent conversation with an adult outside our circle of family and friends. Tell me why it's nothing but potty humor, death rays, jet packs and rocket launcher talk at home. At least he saves his thoughtful communication for the outsiders. Maybe that will keep the suspicious homeschooler looks at bay for a while longer.

vs.

2009-10-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

Homeschooling has a reputation. Like the girl of loose morals in high school, homeschooling is seen by the rest of the world in the same shady light. When random strangers and acquaintances ask what grade my children are in or how they like there teacher this year I just play along or attempt a home school conversion depending on the mood swings.

I've become so brainwashed and insulated with other homeschooling families that I am shocked when I happen upon a public school student. I can't help but talk to it and poke it with a stick - kind of like I would roadkill. I've concluded that home school parents are no different than other parents except for one big thing.....WE ARE WITH OUR KIDS ALL THE TIME and we can smell the aroma of childhood shenanigan's and nip it in the bud without the help of a professional psychologist, MD, psychiatrist, pharmacist, psychic or the like.

Today I happened upon one of the rare species of government educated children and their mother. We were chatting along and sympathizing with each other on behavior issues, star charts, tasers, and the like. Here's what I've deduced; as all children are pretty much the same parents just use different verbiage to describe their children. Let me show you what I mean:

Non-Home school Approach
"I don't know what's wrong with my child, she gets within inches of another child's face and roars, that behavior is so antisocial and aggressive I don't think I can fix it maybe she needs Ritalin."

Home school Approach
In the home school world we just call that knowing one's animal sounds and an obnoxious desire to share that passion with another. If that 'passion' continues she'll get to be responsible for all the animals in our household and their poop until she can figure out there are better ways to communicate.

Non-Home school Approach

I've decoupaged a gold star behavior chart complete with rewards, glitter glue, demerits, stickers, ribbons, buttons and the like. If my child can make it though the day without a hissy fit or temper tantrum in Target she'll win a blowout ice cream party for 30 of her closest friends on Friday.

Home school Approach

If my child has the nerve to act like a heathen in public I'll leave her there and pretend she's not mine. I don't have the desire or the will to coax a 4 year old to release the death grip on a Barbie Doll. She'll have bigger things to worry about than a Barbie, like "How am I gonna bum a ride home when I don't know my own address?"

Non-Home school Approach

Why won't my child clean up her room? We've had many talks about responsibility and caring for our things. I'm afraid I'll be cleaning her room forever maybe I'll have to hire a maid for her dorm room.

Home school Approach
Cleanliness is a fostered attribute. Dear darling let me help you foster it: here's a trash bag and Goodwill bag

I'll be back in 30 minutes anything not in one of these two bags or put away correctly and neatly will become my sole responsibility. It really would be a shame watching your mom build Lego's and play the Wii while you have to do your math, huh?

Non-Home school Approach
I'm afraid my child won't like me if I'm the heavy.

Home school Approach

I hope my children don't like me by the time their 18. Then they'll have incentive to leave! And if I don't teach them what they need to know by the time they spread their wings and fly into the world, I haven't done my job. There will always be someone to play the heavy, boss, law, spouse, friends, God, government, etc. Learn now. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks but possible with the help of tasers and federal penitentiary.

Learn from your momma, the one who loves you more than all the people in the world. Don't wait until you have to learn your lessons from someone who doesn't love you.

It's been a weird funny day for me. Don't take anything I said here today too seriously....well maybe just a little.

shine

2009-10-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

I read my whole blog today. Every last post for the past 18 months. That's a lot of life to remember, smile, cry, and laugh about. It occurs to me that I was a lot happier last year at this time.

Hummm, what was I doing right then that I'm not doing now? Many things encouraged me and I can see how far I've come on the budget, homeschooling and my deepened love for my family (although I didn't blog as much about that as I wished I had).

I'm choosing to be thankful today. Because I am blessed. I'm choosing to be mature and put one foot in front of another and laugh at myself. I needed perspective and I'm thankful I got a little bit.

My reality is :
I married the most perfect person on the planet for me (that doesn't happen often, you know)
The 2 easiest, funniest, tender, smart, calm children on the planet live with me. ME!! of all people.
I have freedom to roam and am able to pursue my passions
My friendships are my joys not a burden around my neck
I am able bodied

I'm going downstairs, grabbing coats hats and kids, and going to explore what the Good Lord has given me and I WILL be thankful for everything no matter how small and insignificant it may seem to the rest of the world. I'll enjoy my blessings.

A scout is always.....

2009-10-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

How was your Boy Scout camping trip this weekend?

I'll answer in pictures...for the most part.

How was the weather?

Forecast predicted 0% chance of rain and mid-50's

Actuality: 100% chance of 12 hours of steady hard rain with temps hovering around 33 degrees.

Did Eagle have fun meeting new friends?

Totally. We saw him twice the whole weekend. We had to snap the camera fast or we'd miss him.

Did Eagle learn any new skills?

Only blow dart throwing, poisonous leaf spotting, geology, arrowhead making, fire building, leading a flag ceremony, tomahawk throwing and using botanicals for medicinal purposes.

How were the camping conditions?

3 inches of water in our tent by 3am, soaking wet mattresses, clothing, pillows, blankets, pajamas, towels, shoes, coats, hats and books. Did I mention it was 33 degrees?

Were you prepared?

for a 10 week stay.

All in all was it a good weekend?

Yeah, I think they enjoyed themselves.

hisssssssssss

2009-10-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

I never win anything...I mean absolutely nothing in the history of my career here on earth I've won zilch. It's not for a lack of trying either. I've entered many a contest raffles, free give-a-ways, grocery store reciept survey’s and even gambled on the shortest grocery store checkout lines.

In fact trying to get out of Target in less than 2 hours was my goal this morning. Lucky me, only 2 things on the list: 1 bundle hangers and one pack pencils. It seemed like MISSION: POSSIBLE until I strolled up to check out line number 12 with 2 minutes 14 seconds on the clock thinking I've completed the mission with 1 hour 55 minutes to spare.

Making eye contact with the checkout lady, smiling at my luck to find a customer free conveyor belt, feeling confident in my decision to test fate by getting out of bed this morning, a lady with TWO buggies of grocery's sideswipes me and bolts into line before me. What?? Was she serious? I'm in no mood to play by the rules today; in fact, The Good Lord in all his wisdom shouldn't have let me out of the bed this morning.

As she proceeded to unload the over flowing contents of her 2 buggies of groceries. I practiced Christian restraint by not taking the Lord's name in vain or throwing the contents of my arms in her direction. I tell myself, "This is no biggie I really don't NEED to be anywhere right now I can wait 20 minutes. Calm down, if this is the worst thing to happen to you today I'm doing alright. Hey, she may have a sick child at home or needing to be at her chemotherapy appointment on time."

Then as if she wanted to tempt my Christian resolve and take her own life into her hands she says to me with a smirk, "Oh honey, I'm usually the girl with 2 items stuck behind someone with 2 buggies of groceries. Bad timing on your part, huh?"

Oh HELL no she didn't. She was picking a fight with me. I think she could feel the lightning bolts I was throwing out with my eyes and they scared her. I put on my sunglasses to shield the small children in the vicinity from my penetrating glare and the tears of anger and faltering control streamed down my face. While she sorted through her 10 lb. stack of coupons, Target RedCard application, and double checked her total of $435.14 (no lie), I hexed her. My hex: I hope she's overbudget on groceries for the month and she and her husband get into a fight about it. - I'm aweful, I know, you don't need to convict me....I know.

No kidding, within 30 seconds my sunglasses were steamed up from the heat radiating from my face. I can only imagine what I looked like. Probably very similar to this but with foggy sunglasses on:

Anyway back to my story of winning nothing....

In August I went to a homeschool fair close to my home. Tons of vendors. I signed up for everything. Today I find out I didn't win the couples retreat to Costa Rica, the new gutters, a year’s worth of free curriculum or the free massage. Nope, I win the 4 book HISTORIC Communities pioneer set which includes topics on Blacksmithing, Home Crafts, In the Barn, and The Gristmill.

Wow I'm such a lucky girl. Feel free to come browse my library next time you're over. Who knows what other goodies I'll win by then?

southwest rap

2009-10-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

Because getting the job done should be fun

Going to the big laundromat in the sky

2009-10-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Bad, Bad washer finally gets what it deserves,a one way trip to the dump. This washer hated me. It would choose when to dump the contents of the bleach compartment onto the title floor routinely and without warning. Preferably when I'm not home. During the spin cycle it made every effort to bust out of the utility room and spin free out into the pasture behind my house. If Simi was napping I had to sit on the washer durning the spin cycle to keep the decible level under 120.

Many a novel were read and finished on this machine.

Surpise!!! Hubby had new washer purchased, hooked up and running a load when I got home.

How much do I love this man? I never know when the load is done; I can't hear the tortured screams of the sheet rock.

HUZZAH!

2009-10-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

Lessons learned about the Renaissance as witnessed through the Renaissance Festival
1. Shirts/Bras optional. Extra small bustiers on large women preferred. (we went on 'homeschool-days' I can just imagine the scenery on normal business days)
2. Take shower once a month whether it's needed or not. Share your unique scent with the crowd - it's all part of the festival experience.
3. Dreadlocks and tattoos were very popular in the middle ages
4. The turkey legs were soaked in nitrates
5. Crude humor is used to sell every trinket.....don't make fairy wings weird people, especially when I am buying them for my innocent daughter.
6. The people of the renaissance were incredibly wealthy. Seeing as mouse trap marshmallow shooters are $35 and spray painted panty hose fairy wings are $75
7. Children eat this stuff up. The knife juggling, 'butt' humor, jousting, medieval torture chambers, rotten tomato throwing, falconry, face painting, henna, hair braiding and bungee jumping (what?! bungee jumping?? yep, anything to make a buck it doesn't have to be authentic)

Walking to the car my oldest was talking about what he'll do when he comes to the festival next year. It involves marshmallow shooters and metal jousting helmets. Keep in mind he saved up a whole year to buy the sword and shield he purchased today.

Oh joy of joys, I get to go back.

Educated yourself

2009-10-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

I was having conversation with some ladies last week who were searching for an intellectual way to present the God/anti-God/theism/atheism debate.

Rarely, am I even prepared for a conversation in any meaningful way. But, glory hallelujah, I know this one! I've read John Lennox, Chares Darwin, and Richard Dawkins and Nancy Pearcy recently. I feel like I have a handle on the topic and can engage in conversation without looking like a deer in headlights.

Here are some books and a YouTube video that educated me.

More from Lennox:
God's Undertaker Has Science Buried God?
The Definition of Christianity

Peace be with you

2009-10-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

My favorite emotion/feeling is peace. Not having a single worry, not because there aren't things I worry about but because, I refuse to carry worry, control, and anxiety around like a fanny pack strapped to my butt.

It sounds so simplistic, so abstract, but it was a crazy hard battle to get to peace. Anger, desperation, asking all the wrong questions all for the better part of a year. Hindsight being as it is, the fight was worth it. To feel free and peaceful even if I didn't get what I wanted the reward is better than what I asked for in the beginning.

Mental note: relax, don't live under the delusion of control, don't rush. Don't rush anything. God can use me if I'm not fighting for control. It's a little hard for him to use me while I am throwing a hissy fit.

Hissy fit over expecting great things to come.

check it out

2009-10-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

I've been blogging over here....come say "HI"!
http://lnfsabbatical.blogspot.com/

Bangs or Botox

2009-10-07T04:46:00.000-07:00

My mom always told me this would happen. I've got extremely fair skin when I tan I'm just a darker shade of pale. She spent the better part of my childhood slathering me with spf 7,000. I hated it.

Why can't I be dark like my dad? He can think about going outside and get a dark complexion.

In my 20's I resisted my mother's teaching and went sans spf for 10 years. Nothing happened. I got a few more freckles but nothing more.

Today, 5 months 25 days after my 30th birthday I discovered wrinkles on my forehead. The perminante kind not the kind that you experience when a surprised expression crosses your face. My mother on the other hand looks like she's 22. Not a wrinkle, not a freckle, not a laugh line, nada. She of course is obsessive about spf's.

I figure I've got two routes to avoid looking 10 years older than my age.
1. BOTOX
2. Bangs

Mr. Johnson would flip his wig if I took door #1. So I opted for option #2.

is this a joke

2009-10-06T10:36:00.001-07:00

I live for mail. I would be super nice to get a letter from a friend or a grandma who loves me but since those two things haven't happened in 4 years I'll settle for catalogues. Looking at all the catalogue clothes I'd like to buy but don't is therapeutic for me. I feel better about my budget knowing that if I weren't on the Dave Ramsey Plan (aka the Damn-sey Plan)I'd be buying all these catalogue items.

Imagine my surprise when the mail stack was thicker than usual for a Tuesday. Oh happy day. Thumbing through the stack I noticed the back of a certain catalogue. It said "This magazine was mailed to you by a thoughtful friend." Excited that someone had remembered me and took the time to include me I flipped the magazine over to discover the magazine title.

LEM Products The Leader in Meat Processing.

This wouldn't be a big deal if I weren't a vegetarian.

Thanks for the hearty belly laugh you so called 'thoughtful friend'. I hope you get coronary heart disease and choke on a hot dog whoever you are. Just kidding, of course.

My character building day pick-me ups

2009-10-05T12:37:00.000-07:00