I'm done

I'm internal. I only share the tip of the iceberg. I'm afraid the things I say will be taken out of context or not taken seriously, or be too much information for the audience. Risking the fear of over exposure I'm gonna share. Please don't make me feel sorry I did.

I've stared down God, lost my faith, felt helpless hopelessness in such abundance that it shook me to my core. I thought I'd never feel normal again. Grief so profound that I couldn't fathom a future. My life seemed to end and that thought wasn't scary. Every day felt like a marathon uphill on the hottest day in July without water.

Those emotions feel like a lifetime in the past. In reality it was only months ago. But, if I think about that time  those emotions feel as real today as they did then.

But then I remember even though my devastation seemed complete and total it wasn't.  I've added a few more emotions since then. Like peace. Even though I'll never feel grateful for my pain I have learned a few things. I'll try to articulate them as best as I know how.

Compassion. Pain is real no matter the cause. It deserves tender care not a power of the will to get rid of it. Compassion has no time table it's willing to take all the time in the world.

Faith. God will not leave me but he will let me grieve as long as I need. Faith came back once I reached acceptance. I never thought I'd be alright again. But I am. I don't know if time heals all wounds but my God can.

Peace. I can't will peace into existence. I just can't. God gives it as a gift when I am ready for it.

Sometimes I have moments of heart-sickness. But my life is sunny again.