Stop Negotiating With Terrorists

Tolerance comes in all forms. Religious, moral, intellectual, professional.....but in my experience the most challenging for me to practice is Other-Peoples'-Children Tolerance.

***Disclaimer*** I have many, many friends who have wonderful well socialized children who are a joy to be around. In fact I even occasionally become envious of the beautifully mannered children of some friends. If you are reading this and questioning if this post is directed towards you, IT'S NOT. I adore you, your children, and extended family. The situation I am referencing here isn't you or any one you know. Heck, I don't even know them beyond a casual acquaintance and don't care to become more acquainted.

That said, some children can  make me want to curl in the fetal position and rock myself to sleep while thinking of my 'happy place' (Grand Cayman Islands January 2007 if you were wondering). Yesterday was one of those torturous moments.

I knew it wasn't going to be a joy when I announced to my spawn that this particular family was coming over. "Mom, why didn't you ask me? Cause I would have told you that I  hate those kids" Jake informed me. In the background I could sense Simi was in some sort of gastrointestinal distress at the news of the imminent arrival of our new playmates.  "AGGGGhhhh, mom, NOBODY likes those kids, they are so terrible" Simi wailed as she rolled on the trampoline clutching her stomach.

Oooops, I just figured it would be a good thing seeing my kids wake every morning with ultimate bed head, sleep in their eyes asking, "Where are we going and who are we going to play with today?" It's a lot of pressure for a mom to come up with fun and exciting new events and play dates each day. I'm a cruise director for my children's intense desire to socialize. Apparently, I was under the false impression that any play date would suffice to meet the social need. Not so.

"Well", I say, "No prob Bob, it's gonna be great. We'll play on the trampoline, go for a nature hike and maybe have a snack then they'll be out of your hair" trying to make the best of what looks like an unfortunate situation.

As soon as their car pulls into the driveway Jake has to "go to the bathroom NOW" and Simi feels the need to find her cat "Mackers.....I think he's hungry, I'll be back." "Really, can't you both just wait 30 second to say hello?" I ask......to no one as I stand there all alone realizing J and Sims are surprisingly talented at short distance running.

I approach the minivan to greet the guests as the minivan door slides open I hear, "MOM!!!! I want to go into Simi's room and play with all her toys and then go for a horseback ride on that horse right there" twin #2 says loud enough to make an 95 year old man turn down his hearing aid. After and awkward pause I realize the mom isn't going snap her children back to reality and some form of socially accepted behavior.....she's leaving that detail for me.

"Well sweets, as much as I love to indulge demanding, selfish, screaming children, I don't own that horse, therefore you may not ride it. How about we play outside in the trampoline instead. It's a beautiful day." I reply sounding as diplomatic as possible.

"NO, that won't do." Twin #2 sobs throwing herself to the ground inconsolable.

The Mom chimes in, "Oh sweetheart, why don't you ask Mrs. Elizabeth in your most pleasing voice." No response from twin #2 other than earsplitting screams.

Mom explains to me that she's "really been emphasizing vocabulary and so proud of the progress her 'angles' have made."

Hummm, yeah, I was just noticing that. Good job. Now see what you can do about the Satan you've got growing in them.

Silence eventually takes over twin #2. I wrongly assume she's passed out. Nope she's up and swinging for round 2. "MOMMY I want to eat NOW."

"Okay darling, ask Mrs. Elizabeth if she'll make you a snack." Mom replies looking hopefully in my direction.

Wait, I think I miss heard. Did she really presume that I want to feed her clan of ingrates? Yep, from the prolonged stare and lingering silence I assume she's not kidding and I am expected to go into the house and find something for her and her 3 ankle bitters to eat. What do demons eat?

Thankfully, the mom is distracted by the sight of her son on the trampoline jumping 16 feet into the air and landing squarely on twin #1 then giving her the old heave-ho off the trampoline. While mom is checking for compound fractures on twin #1 while gently yet softly coaxing her son for an answer on why he thought that trampoline move was a swell idea, I notice my kids are no where to be seen. In fact, I don't recall seeing them in the past 35 minutes since our guests arrived.

I duck into the house....no sound. I peer in the barn....Nada. I look around the yard....zip. I check the house again. There I find them upstairs barricaded with a bowl of popcorn watching Home Alone the movie in Simi's room under a mountain of pillows and blankets with all the light turned off.

"Whatcha doing?" I ask. "Ahh, not much just getting ideas from this movie on how to handle the people YOU invited over. Are they gone yet?" Jake asks.

"Not exactly, why don't you come downstairs and play with them on the swing set" I plead. "I don't think so mom. What's wrong? You can't handle the 'crazies' by yourself, huh?"

 Crud, he's got me. I can't handle them. They are driving me over the edge. I've never learned how to tell some to leave my property nicely.....I'm in a pinch.

In the end I realize my kids are being much more honest than I so I leave them be upstairs with their popcorn and really good movie fantasising about how good it would feel to put a hurtin' on these guests.

When I make it back outside I think about apologizing for my kids behaviour...mainly not being seen since their arrival. But I think better of it. Thankfully, I see the mom bargaining with her kids to get into the car so they can make it to their piano lesson on time. From what I heard the kids get to go directly to Chick-fil-A and then to Target to pick out a special toy if they'll get into the car.

For a moment I wonder if I should intervene. Should I tell this mom to Stop Negotiating With Terrorists? (Which by the way is going to the the title of a book I write in the future) I almost offer to take her kids off her hands for the weekend with the promise of new kids by Monday. But no I think their mom is having fun with them, I wave joyously as they pull our of my driveway knowing that I won't ever make this mistake again. I WILL ALWAYS ASK MY CHIDREN WHO TO HAVE OVER FOR  A PLAYDATE. Children are after all, the best judge of character.