Wanna-Be

My Saturday Fun.

Some months ago, being newly implanted into scouting, I naively said 'yes' to hosting the annual scouting banquet. The cubmaster could, no doubt, see my awe and wonder in the scouting process and festivities and thus deduced I would be a good fit for the title of 'hostess'.

That was 4 months ago.

But in the spirit of commitment and follow-though I am remaining loyal to my original charge. Since I know as much about scouting as my children know about laundry (nothing, absolutely nothing) I had to attend an annual training session. 'Oh goody' was my sincere response to learning of my expected attendance. It's ture, I love all things informational, workshop-y, and resourceful handouts. However, having attended I'm not so giddy. First off, it should have been obvious being a scouting forum, I was one of 3 women out of 350 people....do the math.

9:00 - show up (on time...yeah me) for my first class: Crafts On A Budget. Honestly, it was a time filler. There is no secret of my distane for crafts. Instead of participate I took a full page of snarky, critical notes about the teacher with abnormally small hands and bloated craft pride. In reality I was jealous. This man was born in a craft tree and hit every limb climbing down. His 'craft bag', he called it/her Molly, was filled with everything you would ever need for any crafting situation. From multi-colored pip cleaners to tracing paper this man took the charge of the Boy Scouts "Be Prepared" quite literally.

For fun this man would randomly shout out craft trivia such as:
"Who can think of something crafty to do with this clothes pin?
eye dagger
"What about this craft hammer and brad"
 Do it yourself lobotomy
"What creative ideas do you have for this wax paper?"
smothering myself
You get the idea. I was not in my element and I was not his favorite student, but he humored me.


10:15 - Wish with all my might I would develop acute and sudden onset appendicitis to give me a excuse to leave.

10:30 Blue and Gold Banquet Workshop
This class was a bit difficult to take in. I'll have to refer to my notes:
OH CRUD-OLA. I can't to this
is all I have scribbled on pages 1-15.

On page 16:
Tell Cub master there is no way on the planet you can do this. Tell him anything to get out of it. Cry, beg, plead, fake your own death if need be.
To do list:
Start drafting your obituary.

I do vaguely remember some lingering stares and pathetic glances from the other workshop takers who have had their banquets planned since spring 2006.

11:13 - consider running away and never being heard from again.

11:30 - A lady from my class offers to take me to lunch. I listen for 90 minutes....I don't particularly remember the topic that was so dear to her heart but she was quite heartfelt in her delivery.

1:30 - Outdoor cooking
Whats there not to love about being in the beautiful out-of-doors and food? I'll tell you what.... 16 degrees, windy, and everything (I mean everything) that we made had milk/butter/or some form of animal flesh in it.
It was now apparent  to me that my promising day of festivities was as diverting as going to the OBGYN.

3:00 - Consider making a mad dash to my car. I was feeling the early stages of insanity creeping in.

3:15 - Cub Scout Science
Here's class I can get exciting about. Eagle lives for science and I am always looking for more ideas and experiments. Iam expecting a great resource of information instead I got great interest in my smell.

"What's that smell....like some thing's on fire?" my fellow classmate asks me as I walk in
"That would be me, I just took the outdoor cooking class" I answer
"Well then, that makes you smokin' hot, I guess." he replies
"That comment makes you super creepy, I guess" I answer

Next  classmate files in
"Oh my what is that smell??????" she shrieks
"It's Essence De Campfire, I was in the outdoor cooking class." I say
No response. I notice she picks the chair with the greatest distance from my own

Yet another classmate files in
"Where's the fire?"
"That would be me...I was just in the outdoor cooking blah blah blah" my patience growing noticeable thinner
"You are smokin'...." said like a zit covered freshman
"Yes, thanks for noticing."

About 15 more people file into class and every last one of them comments on the campfire smell inhabiting the room. I'm starting to take it personally.

Teacher enters class.
"Oh my G_ _, what's that smell?"

For being the outdoorsy type of folk these scouting leaders had apparently never been near a campfire.

I could think of many, many other things I'd rather fill my Saturday's with.  Joining a polar bear club, reading War and Peace, cleaning out bed pans, and skydiving without a parachute all rank higher on my list of Fun Things To Do on A Saturday above attending another Boyscout Workshop.

Until next year, Namaste Khaki.