Chapel HIll Fun #1

I am convinced if the human race gave birth to 4 year olds we would have a major growth explosion on our hands. They are AWE-SOME:
1. They can reason (most of the time)
2. They are SOOOO cute
3. Crying and whining are a thing of the past
4. They can wipe themselves
Which is why I want another child.

This isn't as easy for Mr. Johnson and I seeing as we took steps to avoid having more 4 year olds. I can recognize now that doing that was a huge mistake. So I took steps to undue what I had done.

Let me be clear - I hate I mean HATE all things medical: doctor's offices, hospitals, thermometers, and stethoscopes. So this is huge for me - to willingly participate in medical intervention. I can say - since I am on the other side of intubation- yes, it's worth it but that's only because I don't have to do it again

Let me give you a walk through. Monday morning we have the consultation with the Doc that has an unnatural and disconcerting love of all things unicorn. Yes, you read that right UNI-STINKING-CORNS. Unicorns adorned the waiting room in a lovingly lit glass and exotic wood showcase. From this observation I can tell you, should I get preggers I am sending this man a life-sized unicorn to insert into his collection.

As we entered Dr. Unicorn's office we weren't disappointed - cross-stitched unicorns, crystal unicorns, not to mention the hand carved, water color, and pastel unicorns. It goes without saying that Doc Uni doesn't have much of a personality and really sad bedside manners.

After the consult joy of joys - it's time for the probing. Thankfully Ben was banished to the waiting room to admire the stunning swarvoski crystal unicorns. While I get to wear a translucent paper dress in a florescent flickering room. All you girls know how unlovely this little chore can be. The nurse asks me half-way though, "What's wrong, did you forget to breath?" "I don't know", I respond, "I usually love being painfully probed by aliens, I must be having an off day." My humor is completely lost on the drone. - then a really long pause, the unicorn and drone nurse converse in hushed tones. I hear "print out a pic of that." "wow - can you get an accurate measurement of that?" "if that *mass* is in the tube that's a concern, but it's defiantly too big to be in the ovary. We'll have to investigate that tomorrow". SHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH would you tell me what is going on? So i have cancer, a mass of WHAT????? All the while I am sending Mr. Johnson in the waiting room telepathic messages to get on his knees and pray for a miracle.

After a 10 minute pause Unicorn answers me " well we don't know what it is." Wow, really? Thanks for the reassurment.

I dress and walk back into the waiting room thankful to rejoin my husband. As I walk through the door with the nurse I see 3 other couples giddily looking at photos of babies and discussing their plans for birth and baby names. Scanning the room I spot Mr. Johnson on the couch head back, mouth agape, drooling, legs spread in an unsightly 'come-hither' manner, arms hanging lifelessly by his side: caveman-like. I turn to the nurse and tell her "I don't see my husband, he may have taken a call outside."