happy, happy, joy, joy

This blog post won't make much sense unless I give you some history. It's dark history...so don't judge me...I'm a work in progress.

Last week I was at a church meeting (insert groans and whining here). When it wrapped up I was making small talk with a christian brother who I know relatively well. I asked the innocent "How are you doing?" question.

Let me take a break right here to inform all my friends and acquaintances that when I ask "how are you?" I want the real deal. The good, the bad and the ugly. I cherish honesty, mostly because I want to know you have struggles too.....it just makes me feel normal.

My christian brother didn't have the flavor of gloom, self-pity, or bitterness I was looking for. He smiled and said "it's been the best week of my life." Argh, I just wanted to punch him in the face. How dare you have a thankful heart. Being a Christian, I chose a follow up question instead of violence, "Really? Tell me, did you win the lottery? Buy a new car? Did a extravagantly wealthy relative write you into his will?" To my own shock and awe he tells me, "No, no and no". Even more irritating to my ears, he informs me he has no human reason for his joy.

Normally this wouldn't bother me...pfff, who am I kidding, this will ALWAYS bother me. I struggle with thankfulness and spontaneous joy. In fact, I am rather brazen in my disdain of unnecessary joy (ask my prayer partners. My rage is barely containable when they sing the thankful song to me. However, in my defense they do it to piss me off. Come to think of it, it may benefit me to find new prayer partners. Just kidding, Beth and Shan-noon. I could never leave you and your level of obnoxious early Saturday morning joy)

I am painting myself as a somewhat sour and cold person, I am quite the opposite. My sense of humor is intact, I nearly always have fun being me, and I rarely have a bad mood brewing. I just need a reason for joy.

Three weeks ago I had the first inkling that something was amiss. I knew from reading the B-I-B-L-E what was asked from me. (Read Thessalonians 5:16-18...it's my least favorite verse but should be my theme song) I just couldn't reconcile how to be joyful in the midst of  disappointing circumstances. It rang fake and contrived to me. Whats so wrong with saying how one really is? Why must I put a happiness spin on something that is clearly not happy? Is it not alright to have a bad hour, day, week, month or year without rallying the exuberant inner cheerleader?

After 16 minutes of serious reflection 3 weeks ago I believe it is. I refuse to be fake. Then, I forgot the whole matter.

This morning during my bible reading time joy started to creep in on me. I tried to shrug it off by meditating and repeatedly chanting all the disappointments and struggles in my life. Infertility, financial stress, relationship problems, (Let the record show, every relationship problem I have is the other person's fault. hahahahaha), my job, my insecurities etc. It didn't work as planned. Bugger. Absolutely NONE of my circumstances have changed or disappeared but joy is creepin' in (Insert Nora Jones & Dolly Parton singing Creepin In  right here)
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Really Lord? This isn't what I had in mind.