I don't know how to title this.

My delinquency is posting regularly isn't a symptom of blogging boredom, rather it's a signal of an inward journey. The story I am about to share isn't complete so it will most likely be strewn with heartache, bitterness, with a dash of injustice. Forgive me in advance. This isn't a pretty story with a neat and tidy storybook ending. Although one day there maybe a happy ending, today isn't that day.

I didn't know I was pregnant.

I did know I was in a ton of pain.

That pain was my fallopian tube bursting but I thought it was a stomach bug.

I lived my life normally for 2 weeks.

The pain came back.

I go to ER.

I am told I am pregnant.

I burst into tears knowing.

Bad news. Baby dead. More bad news. My one and only fallopian tube is destroyed and removed.

In one fell swoop it was all gone. The baby I wanted and the hope of having another....gone. No more, never again, finished, done, no hope, no chance, FINAL.

For 3 weeks I was fine. I thought this was a mere speed bump in my life. I smiled a lot, I laughed, I acted as if everything were fine, I thought I was over it.

3 weeks to the day, crushing grief. I couldn't do anything but cry. Why me? Is there a God? I thought God loved me? Will I ever accept this? Will it destroy me? What now? Why do I feel so isolated? Where is the justice?

I desperately was looking for anything to take away the pain. ANYTHING. I felt enormous self-imposed pressure to fix it, avoid the pain, make it all better. At the time I couldn't confront the grief and walk though it. I wanted to go around it. IVF, adoption, anything but this .......NOW. If I thought I was overly invested in conception before, now I was obsessive about ridding myself of the pain.

Let me insert here: Mr. Johnson is an honest to God saint. The man did everything in his power to comfort me, accept the way in which I was dealing/not dealing with the grief. He said everything right. He's perfect.

In the end I've decided to walk though the pain. My promise is "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I used to wonder if I'll always be consumed by grief forever, but now I know I won't. I am living though my messy, painful grief and it's getting better. I'm not done yet but hope is creeping in for the future.

Sometimes God gives desire before he's ready to see it fulfilled.