I am surly....no longer am I a woman but rather a force of nature to be reckoned with. Here's why....I think.

Last night I couldn't slow down and relax. So after I inhaled all of my chinese food and half of my husband's I knew I needed to chill out. Since I am a type A personality I can't possibly do that without alcohol. Here's the highlights after a half a bottle of White Zin:
1. Eagle schooled me in chess
2. I laughed so hard my abs went on riot.
3. We sat on the porch in a rain storm until 9:30
4. Mr. Johnson and reminisced and laughed for hours and hours
5. It was one of the best moments in my life



Fade to this morning:
1. Simi tells me as I step out of the bath that, "the man that Bruce bit on Monday is here with a lot of papers in his hand. I told him you were naked in the bathroom"

2. Jake runs in, "The dog has cornered the painter's and won't let them come to the door. I told them that you'd put on some clothes and come get the dog so they can get started."

Crap, now 2 more people than I am comfortable with know I am butt naked.

3. When I drop the kids off for their chess lesson one other mom corner's me. In her most charitable Christian way over the course of a 5 minute conversation manages to call about 85 different people "morons, idiots, stupid-to-the-point-it-hurts", and a few 4-letter words I won't repeat.

What a ray of  #$%@&* sunshine.

4. When I picked up my kids  5 minutes early from chess to avoid Little Ms. Sunshine I discover that Jake had told his chess coach that he beat me pathetically the night before in chess and added that I had consumed alcoholic beverages and most likely, that's why I am an incompetent chess player....because I have no brain cells left. I WAS MY FIRST EVER CHESS GAME....give me a break.

Now Coach Baxter must think I am a lush and unfit mother.

5. One of my best friends calls to tell me her other best friend has horribly aggressive cancer.....and she's 20 weeks pregnant....and her oncologist wants her to abort. She's 29 years old.

Why isn't life fair? How can you make a decision like that?

6. My children have summer brain and have forgotten everything they so preciously learned for the past 8 and 6 years respectively. Instead of learning they'd rather tear around the house causing an enormous racket and drive me crazy.

7. I took a nap with Simi and had disturbing dreams which weren't improved by Jake waking me to tell me:
            a. "Mom, I found the largest tick in the world on Bruce's ear. Want to come see it?"
            b. " Mom, what do you think about jet packs? I'm saving my money to buy one."
            c.  "Mom, I'm going to make a snack."
            d. "Hey mom I'm going outside again"...and proceeds to slam door for the 1,678,000 in the past 20 minutes.

8. I give up the ghost of a nap and step on the floor only to have my foot stung by a wasp waiting in ambush on the floor.

9. Simi awakens with the warmth and pleasantry of a overheated scorpion.

10. Jake and Simi run into the house covered in blood and a smile upon their faces only saying " MOM COME QUICK!!!" Apparently they thought it would be super cool to smash the bloated ticks from Bruce's ear with a hammer after they removed the ticks from Bruce. Apparently, ticks hold an impressive quantity of blood that can spurt long distances.

It's date night. I don't know rather to be happy that my parents can experience the joys of my children. Or feel sorry for Mr. Johnson for my foul mood.