The ant-man has left the building

I am shocked and amazed I've made it 30 years without fully acknowledging the significant contribution pest control mas made to our society. Today I was given a run down of all the things I've taken for granted.

Mr. Ant-Man greets me with freshly smoked Marlboro breath, button-popping shirt desperatly trying to conceal a buldging beer belly, tight jeans and a deep southern drawl, "Miss, you don't know it yet, but I am the answer to all your ant prayers. My name is _____ ______." "Wow... Hi I'm Elizabeth", I respond. "Elizabeth I'd like you to know I've spent the last and best 10 years of my life devoted to the study of fire ants, specifically, the giant yellow head fire ant which is what you've got here on your property." "Really? That's fascinating", I respond, "I've spent the past 2 years of my life trying to kill them." Look of shock and awe cover his face as if I am the answer to his prayers and he can tell we are going to make a great team. Then he hands Simi a trigger activated fly swatting gun...why, I still don't know, maybe as a token of fire ant camaraderie.

After our introduction he leads me over to his rig. F-350 super duty dullie with matching 30' enclosed trailer, obviously a source of pride and a monthly payment. Then unlocking the trailer and lowering the ramp he shows me the Pièce de résistance - 2 matching 4-wheelers mounted with GPS. "Now darlin'" Mr. Marlboro man starts with trigger finger though his belt loops and a smug grin upon his lips," I want you to know that nothing on this rig is factory. In fact, I've contacted Honda and told them I'm just a commercial in the makin'." At this point he feels the need to once again reiterate how important he is (As if I didn't know from the introduction and the size of his truck)by telling me about the hazards of the profession/terrain/insect run-ins, close calls he's had with his 4-wheelers, the complete power he has over these insects, and the superb intellect it takes to study these creatures.

I've had enough - get on your 4-wheeler.

After an hour of covering our 27 acres (sorry, according Mr. Marlboro, it's 27.1 acres) at no less than 35 miles an hour(perfectly calibrated my......). It's obvious this man-child is getting paid for his enjoyment. Ahhh, I could kick myself, if I hire you at LEAST act like you hate you job, it just makes me feel better about paying.

As he squeals to a stop in our driveway he tries to engage Mr. Johnson in the more technical aspects of his vocation...you know that a female mind wouldn't understand. Stuff like circumference, X and Y axis, acreage measurements, etc. He hands me the bill and as I am writing out the most painful check I've written in the past 8 years of my life he tells me, "In the next 6 weeks when you find out I am the best at what I do, and you WILL realize that, you'll be so glad you wrote this check." UMMMMM, I doubt it. However, I do feel like writing him a thank you note for the blog material.

Mr Johnson asks "so how much was that service?" "Free" I answer "but the trigger activated fly swatter was $1043.35."